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11 Signs Of a People Pleaser & How To Stop Being One

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People-pleasing might not look like something bad. What’s wrong with being nice to others, trying to help them out, and make them happy? However, people-pleasing goes beyond simply being nice and kind to others. It involves editing your behavior for the sake of other people’s feelings or reactions. In this article, I will share with you what people-pleasing is, how you can identify a people pleaser, how this affects your life, and what you can do about it. Read on.

What Is a People Pleaser?

A people pleaser is a term used for describing a person who pleases others just for the sake of keeping them as a friend or making them happy.

People-pleasing is a strategy for coping with the lack of security in a relationship. A people pleaser’s goal is to keep anyone from knowing just how bad and insecure they feel about themselves and they will strive for this goal at any cost. They hope that saying “yes” to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.

In an intimate relationship, a people pleaser frequently paints illusions that depict what they believe their partner wants to see in them and never show their true face of who and what they really are.

11 Signs of a People Pleaser

Now, how can you tell if you are a people pleaser? Here are 11 telltale signs that you can be one.

#1: You need others to like you

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Do you often catch yourself worrying about rejection? Do you have a strong desire of being needed? Do you believe that when people need you, there is a better chance of receiving affection from them? Are these worries, desires, and beliefs often lead to specific actions designed to keep people happy with you so they don’t reject you?

If you anwered “yes” to at least one of these questions, that could be a sign that you are a people pleaser.

#2: Sometimes you feel like you’re being taken advantage of

For some people it’s easy to recognize and take advantage of a people pleaser. They know you will agree to whatever they ask, so they will keep on asking. And you keep saying yes, because you are afraid of being rejected and want to keep them happy.

#3: You’d rather do something you don’t want to than say “no”

Do you feel uncomfortable of saying “no” even if you’re asked for something you don’t want to do? Do you sometimes fake an illness (or being busy with work) to get out your commitments? That could be a sign of a people pleaser?

You might worry that telling someone “no” will make them think you don’t care about themFor you, it seems like a safer option to just agree to do whatever they want, even if you don’t actually have the time or desire to help.

#4: You apologize often

People pleasers tend to apologize often, even when it’s not necessary or when it’s not even their fault. Sometimes it may seem like they apologize for being themselves. You should be aware that frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. 

#5: You feel exhausted and stressed

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Do you feel like you don’t have enough focus or/and energy to complete a task, reach your goals, or lead your project to success? Is your own life disorganized? Are you often late? Do you have a feeling of being barely held together? This could be a sign that you’re a people pleaser. A lack of boundaries eventually leads to burnout, exhaustion, and stress.

#6: You can’t stand being criticized

Even a small criticism can seriously upset you, shake your self-esteem, and even turn you against the person who said it. When your self-esteem depends on other people’s opinion of you, you can never feel secure and relaxed. You are in constant need of proving your worth by pleasing others. And criticism is a sign that your technique isn’t working. That’s why you feel so upset when others criticize you.

#7: You need praise to feel valuable

A people pleaser depends on validation. If your self-worth depends on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments. Also, if you do something for people, you always expect something in return – gratitude, a good opinion of you, nice words about you, appreciation, etc. Usually, deep inside you know exactly how you want a person to react and what to say in gratitude to your action. However, such expectations often fail.

#8: You pretend to agree with everyone

Agreeability seems like the quickest way to win approval. However, if you pretend to agree with someone/something just to keep everyone happy, you’re setting yourself and others up for future frustration.

#9: You suffer if someone is angry at you

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When someone is angry at us, it’s usually pretty uncomfortable for most of us. However, a people pleaser takes this uncomfortable feeling to the next level. Knowing that someone is angry at you feels so bad that you’ll be more likely to compromise your values just to overcome this situation.

#10: You often feel frustrated and resentful

You spend the majority of your time doing things for others. The people you help might appreciate your sacrifices. But they may also not realize that you’re making sacrifices for them.

In either case, being conditionally nice expecting people to treat you a certain way, can eventually cause frustration and resentment. This often turns into passive-aggressive behavior. Such behavior can confuse or even upset people who genuinely don’t understand what’s happening with you.

#11: You’re a giver with a goal of being liked

Being a people pleaser usually means you are a giver. You like giving to others whatever you can – your time, attention, compliments, support, help, gifts, money, etc. Making sacrifices for others might feed your self-esteem and make you feel more worthy of being liked by others. However, such a tendency can also lead to a sense of martyrdom.

Why Being Too Nice Can Be Dangerous

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Being a people pleaser is an everyday struggle when you’re constantly under big pressure. Though it might feel good and very satisfying to be recognized as a nice person, it puts you under extreme pressure to keep up with the self-image of a saint. Therefore, most people pleasers struggle with stress all the time.

When you’re a people pleaser no one really knows the authentic you – they only know the image that you present them with. This often makes you feel lonely, “invisible”, and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.

Being a people pleaser, you may not be conscious of suppressing some of your negative emotions, but eventually, you will have to face the consequences. You can’t sacrifice yourself to other people’s needs, deny yourself, and expect to feel fine in the longterm. Suppression of emotions eventually results in physical or psychological breakdowns. Many chronic mental and physical illnesses are caused by the desire to please others.

It’s very important to come to the realization that people-pleasing is a self-destructive pattern. At first, it might come across as a selfless act. However, people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.

As a rule, people-pleasing is based more on the desire to be in control than it is to please other people. The desire to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless.

How To Stop Being a People Pleaser?

#1: Learn to say “no”

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You don’t have to say “yes” all the time. Realize that you have a choice to say “no” anytime you feel uncomfortable doing something. By learning to say “no” when you feel like it, you will not look like you don’t care but it will show people that you are being authentic and truthful with them.

#2: Set clear boundaries

Ask yourself what you’re willing to do, and don’t go beyond these limits. Always let people know when they’re stepping over your boundaries. Be clear and polite. Don’t feel bad about telling people that they can’t just pop over when they want to or borrow your things without asking or call you in the middle of the night.

#3: Take your time to analyze the situation before agreeing into something

When someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly fine to say that you will need some time to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to analyze the situation and decide if you can commit to helping them. Don’t hesitate to ask the details about the commitment for clarifying what exactly is needed from you.

When analyzing the situation, ask yourself:

  • How stressful is this going to be?
  • Do I have the time and desire to do this?
  • What am I going to give up/sacrifice for committing to this task?
  • How pressured or stressed am I going to feel?

If the person needs an answer right away, it’s best to say “no”. Rushing yourself into “yes” may get you stuck in a situation that is too stressful for you to handle.

#4: Set a time limit

If you do agree to help someone out, it’s essential to limit your time frame when you’re available for this person. For example, you can tell them that you are only available from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. If they really need your help they will make it work. But do not sacrifice your plans for other people’s needs, especially if they don’t respect your time and boundaries.

#5: Don’t give unnecessary excuses

Being a people pleaser created a habit in you to always defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires. As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person a perfect opportunity to come back and give you options to whether to do it later or ask to adjust your schedule, or something else. And at the end of the day, you will end up still doing what they want.

#6: Don’t apologize if it’s not your fault

Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if your apology is really necessary and you’re really at fault. Ask yourself if you’re really responsible for the situation. If the answer is “no”, you don’t need to apologize just to make people comfortable.

#7: Use positive self-talk

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Use positive self-talk to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries. For example, you might say “I can do this,” “I have the right to make decisions and do the things the way I want them to be done,” “My decision is right for me”, “My values are more important than saying yes in this situation”, etc.

Conclusion

A people-pleasing is a daily struggle that crashes your spirit constantly. This destructive pattern leads to intense anxiety, chronic pain, and tons of repressed emotions. In order to solve this problem, you need to shift your focal point from the outside to the inside world. Be gentle to yourself. Remember that to be loved is your birthright. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for being liked or appreciated. Eventually, your authentic self will blossom in its divine beauty and your light will be enough for people wanting to be around you.

Katya Ki is the Founder of SOLANCHA Magazine, a Metaphysical Expert, a Reiki Master, and Human Rights Attorney. She has been studying Eastern metaphysics, cosmology, and esotericism for almost 20 years now. And she's still discovering new knowledge, which is hidden in ancient teachings. During her pilgrimage to the monastery of Saint Catherine in Egypt, she discovered the SOLANCHA System. This is how the SOLANCHA journey started!

Personal Development

8 Signs You Are a Free Spirit Who Can Never Be Tamed

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If you are a free spirit, chances are you struggle to fit in your family or friend’s circles. That is normal. See, as a true spirit, you value your freedom over complacency. You would rather dictate the terms of your life than conform to societal norms.

Well, this nonconformist attitude to life is never free of cost. You may have to get out of your comfort zone, let go of your societal security, look different, and even suffer harm. But, how do you know if you are a free spirit and not just a rebellious person?

This article will discuss the 8 common signs to guide you.

But first:

Understanding the Free Spirit

A free spirit starts from the mind. You live free of domination from any oppressive thoughts, ideas, or notions imposed on you by others. Unlike rebellion, true freedom is about respectfully liberating your mind and body, to coexist with others at peace.

Likewise, a free spirit will not replace one oppressive thought with another. Instead, this person seeks the truth and lives by it. For example, many celebrities that claim to be free spirits are doing so superficially. They may still ascribe to certain notions that are oppressive to their audience. Like the idea of going organic but allowing the use of plastics from a certain brand.

The Signs

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If you are a true free spirit, then you can relate to most of the signs below: –

#1: Strong Desire for Freedom

Did you ever quit a well-paying job to pursue a digital nomad lifestyle that pays less than half of your salary? Your strong desire to be free and set your lifestyle standards indicates a truly free-spirited person. See, free-spirited people make lifestyle decisions that prioritize their freedoms.

#2: Abhor Restrictions

In line with a desire for freedom, free spirits despise any restrictions imposed by others in their lives. If you are one, you could be struggling with committing to a deadline, target, or relationship.

And for the career persons, free spirits hop from one organization to another, dreading to be confined at one company for too long. Here, the free spirit struggles to commit to another person or purpose but looks forward to waking up to new challenges or surprises.  

#3: Welcome Challenges

A free spirit encounters problems like any other person. However, they see the problems as new challenges, not threats. Consequently, a free spirit gets excited, not worried when facing challenges.

#4: Spontaneous

A free spirit comes up with rushed decisions that change the course of their lifestyles forever. For example, they may wake up and decide to shift to a new neighborhood, enroll in the gym, or make a swift financial investment. Or, they may change their minds about getting married, having kids, or setting up their businesses. 

These persons hold no attachment to anyone or anything, hence appearing as unserious. As a result, others find it hard to understand why this person can’t stay consistent. 

#5: Unconventionality

Free spirits do things their way. They question any societal expectations and are the last persons to adopt them. Likewise, they are never intimidated by those around them. Instead, they stick to their decisions regardless of how foreign they sound to the masses. 

#6: Insatiable

A free spirit is insatiable. Your goals are different, settling for a better or unique lifestyle from the one your peers are content with. For example, your dream when clearing college was never a well-paying job, the latest car, and a home with kids. Instead, you think of opportunities that will allow you to try new things.

For example, you could be a die-hard globetrotter even though you may not have the means to travel at the moment. You are the kind of person who is content with living from a suitcase for years as you travel around the world.

#7: Great Achievers, Innovators, Dreamers

Now, a free spirit may appear spontaneous and unserious with life, but they have a clear perspective of what they want to achieve. This person comes up with fresh ideas that promise to solve world challenges. And it is the excitement of this new challenge that fuels their desire to achieve the set goals.

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#8: Relentless

Free spirits always seek ways of how to make the impossibilities in their lives possible. For example, they will question why it takes three days and not a day for an online shopping order to arrive at their doorstep. And, they will use the latest facts to question current theories.

In turn, these persons never quit. They appear stubborn, holding on to their ideas until they get the solution they were hoping for.

Living a Fulfilling Life as a Free Spirit

Note that, a free spirit is the best candidate for achieving spiritual awakening. This person is intent on soul searching and questions their existence. Still, the life of a free-spirited person can be a lonely one. If you suspect that you are a free spirit, here are a few tips to live a fulfilling lifestyle:

  • Spend more time outdoors. For example, taking part in dance competitions in the open gives you a chance to free your mind and release any stress buildup.
  • Reconnect with your inner child by working with children. They have great imaginations and love exploring and testing their boundaries. Plus, they enjoy doing role plays.
  • Explore a creative career path like preparing exotic dishes and painting on a canvas.
  • Most free-spirited persons are empathetic, considerate, kind, and loving. In turn, they can be victims of emotional abuse. Protect your emotional wellbeing by setting boundaries on who you interact with or what you explore beyond your comfort zone.

Conclusion

Anyone with a free spirit has the untamable spirit of a wolf. You always want to run free beyond the confines of family or society. You also have a tendency to oppose the normal social rule, being overly independent, and never subscribing to others’ rules. That’s why most free spirits are seen as rebellious.

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Personal Development

Shadow Work: Get To Know & Integrate Your Dark Side

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We need to be whole to live a fulfilling life. Yet, our shadow work represents the disconnected parts of our psyche, hindering our spiritual journey. And, at the spark of the moment, our unflattering past may emerge to tarnish this picture-perfect view of ourselves because, our shadows can go on autopilot mode, operating behind the scenes and impacting our relationships.

The Shadow: Home for Our Suppressed Traits

Did you grow up knowing that men are not supposed to cry? Or, do you view outspoken people as nosy? Well, as a human being, when you are overcome by grief or sadness, one quick release is to cry. It relieves the tension in you. Plus, those around you appreciate that you feel their grief too.

Likewise, an outspoken person can be a great leader if they use this trait to command authority for social justice or development. But, if you are born an outspoken person, and you relegate this positive trait, you lose out on living a fulfilled life.

The two examples above demonstrate what happens when we relegate any trait, whether positive or negative, that we disassociate from our ego. These traits never go away. They lie dormant in our shadows and may crop up in your life when you least expect them. More so, others can pinpoint those traits in you even without you doing anything to provoke it. For example, you may portray yourself as a composed person, only to throw tantrums at the slightest provocation. That shows there is unresolved anger lying dormant in your dark side.

Origin of the Term Shadow

The term “shadow” originates from the Jungian psychological model. According to Carl Jung’s theory, we all have an ego, which is the center of our personalities. Anything that you disassociate from your ego ends up in the shadow or your dark side. Similarly, if there is a trait that you dislike about yourself, chances are, it is suppressed in your shadow.

So How Do You Embrace Your Shadow?

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At a point when the shadow is working against us, it may destroy us. Hence, there is a need to embrace our dark side and use it to nourish our lives. But how do we achieve that?

Past vs. Present Approach to Embracing the Shadow

Now, history has records of ancient Greeks worshipping the shadow as an autonomous goddess or god. The Greeks used this approach to integrate the dark side into their egos. Not so with the 21st-century modern person. Today’s pressures from social media, family, and friends make us neglect our past wounds or negative impulses.

Many of us are too concerned about protecting our self-image. In the process, we deny that the shadow exists in the first place. Yet, cyberbullies and close friends are quick to pinpoint these shadows in others but never acknowledge their own. An issue of seeing a splinter in another person’s eye and not seeing the log in your own eyes, right?

Other Quick Tips to Embrace Your Shadow

  1. Have a calm mind. Life stress interferes with our attitudes towards the shadow. Yet, a collected person will find reason even in the most brutal aspects of their lives. Yoga, meditation, and crystal healing can help in achieving the right mindset for shadow work.
  2. Practice self-love. It will prepare you mentally to deal with the demons.
  3. Seek the truth, not validation. The dark side may have aspects of your life that are too painful.  Seek to understand the truth instead of wanting to feel special.
  4. Journalize the process.

Benefits of Shadow Work – Eliminating the Projection Defense Mechanism

When we repress our shadows, we project those feelings unto others. For example, if you view an overweight person as lazy, or find an outspoken person irritating, chances are you are struggling with weight management or a level of rudeness in your life.  Otherwise, if you were okay with your current or past weight, someone else’s oversize will not bother you.  See, this projection happens unconsciously, as a way to defend your ego.

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Shadow work unmasks our dark side and integrates it into our current life. It is about working with your disowned parts to bring out the creative, authentic, and energetic side in you. And, the benefits are tremendous.

Here are three key benefits: –

#1: Better Relationships

Integrating your dark side will ground and make you feel whole. Once you embrace your shadow, it is easier to embrace that of your spouse, child, friend, or workmate. In turn, you are less triggered by other person’s unpleasant behaviors. Even so, the grounding effect opens up channels of communication, hence improving how you relate with others.

#2: Clarity of Perception

Our perception of self determines how we view the world. If skewed, you will use the same lens of perception to sieve ideas, thoughts, and feelings from others. In contrast, integrating our shadows gives us a whole, true picture of ourselves. This realistic assessment of self results in self-awareness crucial for spiritual growth.

#3: Raised Energy and Better Health

For as long as you ignore your shadow, it becomes a burden that you carry each day. You know, you are cautious with the way you look, what you say, or how you conduct yourself, not to reveal those suppressed traits.

Integrating the dark side frees us from this daily struggle.

We discover a reservoir of energy that we never thought existed. In turn, we can focus on self-care routines that lead to better physical health.

Conclusion

We all have a dark side that we often want to ignore. The dark side could be the skeletons in your closet that you never want to admit. Or, positive traits like empathy, gentleness, humility that you feel make you look weak. Worse still, it could be demons from your past traumas, lingering in your present life like a shadow. We avoid these demons so as not to feel ashamed, guilty, or fearful. Yet, accepting and integrating this dark side into your current life could unlock a life of fulfillment and self-enlightenment. It is never easy to confront our shadows. But, it is worth your effort.

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Awareness

Soul Searching: Can You Really Find a Lost Soul?

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Have you ever experienced a muscle pull while in deep waters swimming that you felt death was so close? How did you feel when you finally made it above the waters and took a deep breath? More like the breath of life, right? That is how we operate when we keep on holding to our past scars. They enslave us and suffocate our own existence. Luckily, soul searching can help you get back on track and start living your life just the way our creator intended.

So how do you find yourself? How do you finally let go of the past and live a free spirit? And most importantly, how do you stay focused to ensure you never find yourself in this situation ever again? Well, you’re on the right page because this article will answer these and many more questions revolving around soul searching.

Sounds interesting? Read on.

So What Is Soul Searching?

A student once asked his tutor:

“What did you gain from years of meditation?”

The teacher gently replied, “Nothing, my son. But let me share with you what I lost. I lost anxiety, depression, anger, and the fear of death, relationship insecurities, and the fear of growing older. Now I’m living a free spirit.”

Does this sound like one of your dreams? Soul searching helps you to achieve all that and more.  In simple terms, soul searching is an intuitive path to self-evaluation with an aim to find a deeper meaning and contentment in life. It’s that simple.

However, that doesn’t happen in a day, of course, but consistency yields long-term results.

Why Do You Need To Find Your Inner Self?

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At some point in life, most people are conditioned to live in certain ways, to believe in certain truths, to practice certain careers, religions, etc. Sadly, most of these people actually die without ever figuring out what the other side of these truths feels like.

The significance of tapping into your inner self is that you immediately start to experience inner peace and balance in your daily life.

You see, once you tap into your inner self, you get to understand your life goals, your purpose, motivations, as well as beliefs and practices that add value to your life. As a result, you no longer waste your time and energy meandering in lost paths but instead, you fully focus your energy on paths that you’re destined to excel in. And isn’t that what we all want?  

4 Practical Ways You Can Find Your Soul

#1: Take A Self-Realization Quiz

Start asking questions like:

  • Is this the actual truth or the truth I want to hear?
  • Is this a healthy relationship or the relationship the world needs to see?

And I’m almost certain you’re here because you’ve already started questioning yourself. So this step will be easy. However, the hardest part is accepting you for who you have become now and working towards changing this narrative moving forward.

I always believe we shouldn’t work so hard at hiding the past but rather take the lessons and use them to create a better future.

#2: Experience The Other Side Of Life For Just A Day

In other words, dare your ego. What have you denied yourself for the longest time in your life all in the pretext of being the “perfect human”? Is it the career you never fulfilled, or the trip you’ve always postponed? It’s time to dare what you consider impossible.

However, let me warn you that your ego will fight you harder. Remember that inner voice that tells you “you can’t ware that Suzie, your belly is too visible” or “you can’t get that mortgage Jack, you’ll be bankrupt before you even retire”.

We’ve all had those moments, haven’t we? Sadly we just nod to our ego and say “I think you’re right, let me find an alternative.”

And by the way, did you know you can overcome some fears just by approaching life in a different angle? For example, a bungee jump, or sky diving can help you overcome your fear of the unknown.

#3: Time to Connect With Your Higher Self

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Did you know that your higher self might be trying to communicate with you but you might be blocking its voice? It’s true. That’s why you are suddenly craving a more meaningful life. Suddenly you are starting to see all the missed opportunities. For this reason, you need to pause and listen.

The easiest way to reconnect with a lost soul is through meditation. However, the modern world is too distracting. Instead of fighting the distractions, how about embracing the things you admire in life. Take a walk in the forest, or go deep-sea diving, or even explore your hobbies and find that spot where your mind is mostly at peace. That is when you reach out to your higher self.

#4: Professionals Could Help Too

Some things are above self-help. This is where you need to engage professional help. Be it your Yoga instructor, a therapist, or any professional practitioner within your line of trouble.

Other times, you just need to open up to someone you trust. Someone you can share your past traumas openly without the fear of being judged. Consequently, healing starts.

Moving Forward

Once you find your true self, it’s time to change the narrative. In the self-realization quiz, cross off any character traits you possess that are pulling you backwards. If it’s the shyness, the extreme anger, or the low self-esteem, cross it off and purpose to work on improving these areas henceforth.

One thing I must mention though, change takes time. But as long as you don’t lose your zeal, it can be achieved. Find new goals and new motivation. Let these propel you towards living your new life.

Always remember, not all storms come to disrupt your dreams; some are there to clear your path.

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