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11 Signs Of a People Pleaser & How To Stop Being One

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People-pleasing might not look like something bad. What’s wrong with being nice to others, trying to help them out, and make them happy? However, people-pleasing goes beyond simply being nice and kind to others. It involves editing your behavior for the sake of other people’s feelings or reactions. In this article, I will share with you what people-pleasing is, how you can identify a people pleaser, how this affects your life, and what you can do about it. Read on.

What Is a People Pleaser?

A people pleaser is a term used for describing a person who pleases others just for the sake of keeping them as a friend or making them happy.

People-pleasing is a strategy for coping with the lack of security in a relationship. A people pleaser’s goal is to keep anyone from knowing just how bad and insecure they feel about themselves and they will strive for this goal at any cost. They hope that saying “yes” to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.

In an intimate relationship, a people pleaser frequently paints illusions that depict what they believe their partner wants to see in them and never show their true face of who and what they really are.

11 Signs of a People Pleaser

Now, how can you tell if you are a people pleaser? Here are 11 telltale signs that you can be one.

#1: You need others to like you

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Do you often catch yourself worrying about rejection? Do you have a strong desire of being needed? Do you believe that when people need you, there is a better chance of receiving affection from them? Are these worries, desires, and beliefs often lead to specific actions designed to keep people happy with you so they don’t reject you?

If you anwered “yes” to at least one of these questions, that could be a sign that you are a people pleaser.

#2: Sometimes you feel like you’re being taken advantage of

For some people it’s easy to recognize and take advantage of a people pleaser. They know you will agree to whatever they ask, so they will keep on asking. And you keep saying yes, because you are afraid of being rejected and want to keep them happy.

#3: You’d rather do something you don’t want to than say “no”

Do you feel uncomfortable of saying “no” even if you’re asked for something you don’t want to do? Do you sometimes fake an illness (or being busy with work) to get out your commitments? That could be a sign of a people pleaser?

You might worry that telling someone “no” will make them think you don’t care about themFor you, it seems like a safer option to just agree to do whatever they want, even if you don’t actually have the time or desire to help.

#4: You apologize often

People pleasers tend to apologize often, even when it’s not necessary or when it’s not even their fault. Sometimes it may seem like they apologize for being themselves. You should be aware that frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. 

#5: You feel exhausted and stressed

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Do you feel like you don’t have enough focus or/and energy to complete a task, reach your goals, or lead your project to success? Is your own life disorganized? Are you often late? Do you have a feeling of being barely held together? This could be a sign that you’re a people pleaser. A lack of boundaries eventually leads to burnout, exhaustion, and stress.

#6: You can’t stand being criticized

Even a small criticism can seriously upset you, shake your self-esteem, and even turn you against the person who said it. When your self-esteem depends on other people’s opinion of you, you can never feel secure and relaxed. You are in constant need of proving your worth by pleasing others. And criticism is a sign that your technique isn’t working. That’s why you feel so upset when others criticize you.

#7: You need praise to feel valuable

A people pleaser depends on validation. If your self-worth depends on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments. Also, if you do something for people, you always expect something in return – gratitude, a good opinion of you, nice words about you, appreciation, etc. Usually, deep inside you know exactly how you want a person to react and what to say in gratitude to your action. However, such expectations often fail.

#8: You pretend to agree with everyone

Agreeability seems like the quickest way to win approval. However, if you pretend to agree with someone/something just to keep everyone happy, you’re setting yourself and others up for future frustration.

#9: You suffer if someone is angry at you

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When someone is angry at us, it’s usually pretty uncomfortable for most of us. However, a people pleaser takes this uncomfortable feeling to the next level. Knowing that someone is angry at you feels so bad that you’ll be more likely to compromise your values just to overcome this situation.

#10: You often feel frustrated and resentful

You spend the majority of your time doing things for others. The people you help might appreciate your sacrifices. But they may also not realize that you’re making sacrifices for them.

In either case, being conditionally nice expecting people to treat you a certain way, can eventually cause frustration and resentment. This often turns into passive-aggressive behavior. Such behavior can confuse or even upset people who genuinely don’t understand what’s happening with you.

#11: You’re a giver with a goal of being liked

Being a people pleaser usually means you are a giver. You like giving to others whatever you can – your time, attention, compliments, support, help, gifts, money, etc. Making sacrifices for others might feed your self-esteem and make you feel more worthy of being liked by others. However, such a tendency can also lead to a sense of martyrdom.

Why Being Too Nice Can Be Dangerous

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Being a people pleaser is an everyday struggle when you’re constantly under big pressure. Though it might feel good and very satisfying to be recognized as a nice person, it puts you under extreme pressure to keep up with the self-image of a saint. Therefore, most people pleasers struggle with stress all the time.

When you’re a people pleaser no one really knows the authentic you – they only know the image that you present them with. This often makes you feel lonely, “invisible”, and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.

Being a people pleaser, you may not be conscious of suppressing some of your negative emotions, but eventually, you will have to face the consequences. You can’t sacrifice yourself to other people’s needs, deny yourself, and expect to feel fine in the longterm. Suppression of emotions eventually results in physical or psychological breakdowns. Many chronic mental and physical illnesses are caused by the desire to please others.

It’s very important to come to the realization that people-pleasing is a self-destructive pattern. At first, it might come across as a selfless act. However, people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.

As a rule, people-pleasing is based more on the desire to be in control than it is to please other people. The desire to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless.

How To Stop Being a People Pleaser?

#1: Learn to say “no”

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You don’t have to say “yes” all the time. Realize that you have a choice to say “no” anytime you feel uncomfortable doing something. By learning to say “no” when you feel like it, you will not look like you don’t care but it will show people that you are being authentic and truthful with them.

#2: Set clear boundaries

Ask yourself what you’re willing to do, and don’t go beyond these limits. Always let people know when they’re stepping over your boundaries. Be clear and polite. Don’t feel bad about telling people that they can’t just pop over when they want to or borrow your things without asking or call you in the middle of the night.

#3: Take your time to analyze the situation before agreeing into something

When someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly fine to say that you will need some time to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to analyze the situation and decide if you can commit to helping them. Don’t hesitate to ask the details about the commitment for clarifying what exactly is needed from you.

When analyzing the situation, ask yourself:

  • How stressful is this going to be?
  • Do I have the time and desire to do this?
  • What am I going to give up/sacrifice for committing to this task?
  • How pressured or stressed am I going to feel?

If the person needs an answer right away, it’s best to say “no”. Rushing yourself into “yes” may get you stuck in a situation that is too stressful for you to handle.

#4: Set a time limit

If you do agree to help someone out, it’s essential to limit your time frame when you’re available for this person. For example, you can tell them that you are only available from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. If they really need your help they will make it work. But do not sacrifice your plans for other people’s needs, especially if they don’t respect your time and boundaries.

#5: Don’t give unnecessary excuses

Being a people pleaser created a habit in you to always defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires. As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person a perfect opportunity to come back and give you options to whether to do it later or ask to adjust your schedule, or something else. And at the end of the day, you will end up still doing what they want.

#6: Don’t apologize if it’s not your fault

Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if your apology is really necessary and you’re really at fault. Ask yourself if you’re really responsible for the situation. If the answer is “no”, you don’t need to apologize just to make people comfortable.

#7: Use positive self-talk

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Use positive self-talk to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries. For example, you might say “I can do this,” “I have the right to make decisions and do the things the way I want them to be done,” “My decision is right for me”, “My values are more important than saying yes in this situation”, etc.

Conclusion

A people-pleasing is a daily struggle that crashes your spirit constantly. This destructive pattern leads to intense anxiety, chronic pain, and tons of repressed emotions. In order to solve this problem, you need to shift your focal point from the outside to the inside world. Be gentle to yourself. Remember that to be loved is your birthright. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for being liked or appreciated. Eventually, your authentic self will blossom in its divine beauty and your light will be enough for people wanting to be around you.

Katya Ki is the Founder of SOLANCHA Magazine, a Metaphysical Expert, a Reiki Master, and Human Rights Attorney. She has been studying Eastern metaphysics, cosmology, and esotericism for almost 20 years now. And she's still discovering new knowledge, which is hidden in ancient teachings. During her pilgrimage to the monastery of Saint Catherine in Egypt, she discovered the SOLANCHA System. This is how the SOLANCHA journey started!

Personal Development

The Flower of Life: The Meaning & Symbolism

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The Flower of life is seen every day on jewelry, wall art, altars, etc. It is a two-dimensional geometrical illustration composed of 19 overlapping circles of the same size. The overlapping circles are perfectly arranged to form what look like flower petals. The image starts with two overlapping circles before the rest are added on.

If it was possible to imagine perfection, it could be done through the Flower of Life. It is this symbol that perfectly represents the mechanism by which the universe works.

Leonardo Da Vinci and The Flower of Life

Many ancient-time artists have been fascinated by this symbol. One whose interest and works stand out is Leonardo Da Vinci, who was majorly interested in it for its mathematical implications.

Leonardo was a fanatic of geometry. It is not difficult to see why he was impressed by the Flower of life; it was very much in line with things that caught his attention. Most of his artwork also has aspects of sacred geometry in it.

One of Da Vinci’s famous works, the Vitruvian man, was inspired by the Flower. The Vitruvian man is shown to have multiple limbs, which are believed to imitate the Flower’s pattern of life.

The Significance of Flower of Life

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When we see it on our jewelry or as wall art, we are impressed by its beauty. However, the significance of the Flower of life goes beyond its elegance. This Flower signifies that everything originates from one primary source. The geometric pattern is sacred and depicts profound spiritual growth and enlightenment.

Many religions hold on to the belief that God created life. He is the higher being, the giver, and the taker of life. For some, God is a divine being, while for others, God is the universe. However, like all 19 circles in the Flower beginning from a single dot, God is the source of life.

The Flower also shows how all aspects of our lives are connected. The pattern shows that all aspects of life are rooted in a geometric plan with an origin in nature. The 19 circles in the Flower are perfectly arranged to create a six-fold symmetry, resulting in borderline hypnotic. Many spiritual practitioners use this pattern for their meditation, and you can also learn to apply it to your spiritual practices.

The Flower and the Origin of Life

The pattern of the Flower of life can be seen in different aspects of nature, such as real-time flower petals. This is evidence of how intentional the creation was. It shows that everything originates from a higher being, both people and nature.

The Flower also shows how everything originates from one source and expands its wings to the universe. If you look at the pattern carefully, you will notice the repetitiveness. This aspect represents the interconnectedness of life and the planet’s existence as a whole. And for the repetitiveness to occur, the first circle has to happen, which signifies the source. 

In real life, the source is the Divine creator.

Symbols such as vesica piscis show this repetitiveness and a sole source aspect. This symbol evolves from the seed of life, which then graduates to become the Flower of life. These are the ultimate building blocks of life and our entire existence.

The Flower is universal. Even if you are not a believer in higher power and beings or divine creators, the Flower of life still shows how it is deeply rooted in biology and science.

The Benefits

Many ancient civilizations, including the Egyptian and ancient Rome, have applied this symbol in different ways. You, too, can tap in to explore what it brings to life. These are some of its benefits that can transform your life.

#1: Reminds us of unity

We consider the Flower of life the most significant symbol of harmony and unity. This symbol has no beginning or end, unlike many other symbols. You can incorporate this into your spiritual journey.

When we get into a journey, we often forget our goals and fall back. For instance, if you start doing yoga today, tapping into the energy of the Flower of life can help keep the cycle going. To achieve the best, you need to keep that consistency going. The never-ending cycle of the Flower of life can help you keep pushing even if the barriers become overwhelming.

#2: Supports our sacred space

You can use the symbol to create a peaceful space for integrating the body and mind. Consider such a space where you go back over and over to find yourself. You can use that space to manifest yourself to your full potential. 

The Flower of life will help you stay in serenity for longer. The unified circles will forever remind you of the quietude that comes with the circle of love and success. 

#3: Can be used for meditation

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 Many people have trouble focusing their attention while trying to meditate. The Flower of life can help you focus on the moment and take your meditation practice to the next level.

One way people do this is to gaze at the flower of life painting hanging on the wall as they meditate. However, as you gaze at it, ensure you’re relaxed. Besides, gaze at more than just a specific fixed point. Breathe in and out gently to ensure your lower lungs are filled with air

These meditation techniques will help keep distractions at bay. If you are distracted, feel free to run back and focus on the Flower of life. This meditation can be very successful for people mesmerized by the beauty of the Flower of life.

Many people have also improved their focus while drawing the Flower of life. You can draw it as a form of mediation to help expand your awareness.

The Bottom Line

The Flower Of Life is one of the most fascinating symbols of Sacred Geometry. It represents a perfect order and the cyclicity that occurs in our lives. Use this symbol as a talisman to always remember balance and beauty, as well as to ensure a harmonious flow of energy.

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Personal Development

What is Ego Death? How and Why Does It Happen?

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Humans associate death with darkness, sorrow, and pain. It is just something many people are scared of. However, ego death goes the opposite way. The death of your ego comes with enlightenment, self-exploration, and going beyond the glass ceiling.

In simpler terms, the ego is the sense of self typically developed in earlier ages. It is a biological tool that helps us understand ourselves as separate beings. The problem appears when the ego takes on a level of programming that begins to impede the quality of life we live. This is why many people believe it needs to die.

But first:

What is Ego Death?

Many people think that ego death happens when we strip ourselves of the ego and live without it. No, the ego cannot die. What happens is that it becomes submissive to the awareness and direction of our higher selves so that it no longer controls our lives. The experience temporarily and instantaneously goes beyond and above our identities. By shifting your awareness above the perspective of the ego, you begin to realize that you are not the things you have identified with before.

The death of your ego comes with much self-awakening and peace; you want to experience it. It is one of the most beautiful experiences you could have if you truly understand your spiritual path. Such an experience, however, may feel horrific for people who do not understand their spiritual path or people who resist the experience.

Why Seek It?

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People are now going out of their way to experience ego death. It has become part of the spiritual journey for many people.

Here are some reasons to seek an ego death experience:

#1: Improved self-control

People often think that ego death is just for people unsatisfied with their mental wellness. Even if you are confident with your state, its demise can change your perception, eventually leading you to much clarity and success.

#2: Easier time breaking even

Our perception and identification limit us from going to other levels. Our ego keeps us in a mindset that limits us. It may feel like we are living in an unknown shell. Detaching yourself from the ego or shrinking it will allow you to crush your current sense of self that limits your abilities.

#3: Acquire a new you

We often have a rigid way of identifying ourselves. You will easily break even if you realize you differ from the sum of the labels you previously put on yourself. You will be in a much more powerful position to question things you believe in and go out of your way to seek peace and clarity. It is an excellent tool for breaking world constructs such as race or religion, which are often deeply rooted in mind and consciousness.

Stages of Ego Death

The death of the ego is different for everyone. This all starts from the triggers of the first stages and later the intense stages before you fully settle into the awakening. The first triggers may differ, but as the experience progresses, the stages become identical.

 Here are the stages you will most likely go through:

Stage 1: Spiritual awakening

The ego is deeply rooted in your spiritual being. The first step is your awakening from the ego’s power over you.

Stage 2: Dark night of the soul

In this second stage, you seek to understand things. This is after you accept the awakening that comes with the first stage. This stage is characterized by questioning things that now appear different from what they did before. It can be a confusing stage as many things now start revealing themselves to you.

Stage 3: Exploration and curiosity

In the third stage, you explore more to fill the void in your soul and being. This stage allows you to live in a space of more peace and enlightenment.

Stage 4: Soul growth and enlightenment

This stage allows you to settle in your newly found peace and awakening. Here, you have explored yourself profoundly and now know more about your true self. You will realize that you have already let go of many of your old patterns and habits. This stage has no fighting and battling with your ego, as you already have your new true identity.

How to Achieve Ego Death?

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You need to understand some things before you seek to kill your ego. For instance, why do you want to experience it? Understand that a spiritual ego is not something casual. You want to go in entirely understanding why you want to do it and the consequences of taking the path.

Many people intentionally seek ego death. Deliberately seeking it can be dangerous; proceed with caution. Ensure you are ready for it before you dive right in. If you are sure of your intentions, you can take the paths that lead to the death of your ego.

With all this imperatively said and done, you can proceed and trigger an ego death. Here are some of the ways people do it:

  • Attending spiritual retreats and workshops that guide you through it;
  • Performing specific types of breathing exercises and meditation practices;
  • Following the teachings of spiritual teachers rooted in spiritual awakening;
  • Entering altered states of consciousness, which may involve meditation, dancing, chanting, and other mystical paths; 
  • Getting involved in mystical, spiritual traditions that offer pathways to ego death.      

What Does the Death of Ego Feel Like? 

You might want to know what ego death feels like before you go for it. Your feelings will definitely be intense. It may feel horrific or exciting, or an alternation between the two. People often experience both extremes while undergoing this death.

What Next? 

After an ego death comes rebirth. A new you will be born with no barriers that limit your journey and abilities. Such death powerfully awakens the mind making your life change forever.

Ego death is not the end of spiritual awakening but rather a new beginning of deeper purpose and meaning.

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Personal Development

Self-limiting Beliefs: How to Overcome Fear and Break Our Limitations

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Earlier in life, I was always afraid of senior career positions. I used to apply for junior and entry-level jobs even after many years of employment because I didn’t believe I could handle the senior ranks. Yet each time a senior position became vacant, I was the first person the boss would contact. They saw my potential, but I could never see it because of my self-limiting beliefs. 

Eventually, I would find a reason to decline the promotion. What are you struggling with?

Believe it or not, we all battle with self-limiting beliefs. Are you fearful of signing up for that mortgage because you’re so scared you might not pay it fully? Or is committing to a relationship an uphill task for you?

In this article, I will discuss this fear within us and share practical tips for overcoming these self-limiting beliefs. 

What are Self-limiting Beliefs?

Fact: There are no limits to what you can achieve except for the limits you set in your mind. And this is what sets humans apart. Some people become iconic leaders while others amass massive wealth, yet some still struggle in life. This is one way of looking at it. For you and me, think of the small challenges you encounter in life. Are you truly incapable of handling them, or are you just afraid of trying and failing? 

Self-limiting beliefs are self-developed thoughts, consciously or subconsciously, that we use to convince ourselves that we can’t do something because we are afraid of failing or getting hurt. Consequently, we don’t even allow ourselves to try. Such limiting thoughts are one of the biggest preventers of achieving our goals. And that’s why we need to learn to control and eventually overcome them. So how do we do that?

Practical Steps to Overcome Self-limiting Beliefs

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#1: Identify Your Limiting Belief(s)

What are you so afraid of and why? 

  • Are you scared of getting married because your father abused your mom? 
  • Are you afraid of getting kids because your parents abandoned you when you were little? 
  • Are you afraid of management positions at work because you feel voiceless?

Identifying your self-made limits is your first step to overcoming them. You will need to use your intelligence and accept vulnerability, more like healing your inner child.

#2: Work On Your Confidence

There are several ways to develop self-confidence. The easiest is the use of positive affirmations. The idea is to re-condition your mind into believing what you had otherwise categorized as impossible. You could also apply the law of attraction. Anything you focus your mind on without a shred of doubt eventually comes to be. If you constantly think about boldness, confidence, and assertion, you eventually become bolder, more confident, and more assertive.  

Self-confidence enables us to move out of our comfort zone. We are no longer afraid to try because we believe in our potential. And even if you fail, you believe you can win tomorrow. Besides, you become your own cheerleader and no longer seek approval from others. That’s how powerful we become when we are confident from the inside.  

#3: Set New Goals

Be realistic and set achievable targets. However, always have one clear goal at all times that you’re working towards. That goal should be the most significant on your list. Also, note that big goals are good, but they can demotivate you. Divide these goals into smaller tasks that you can easily achieve. 

For every achievement, your mind registers a win and naturally handles the next task with ease. This way, you find yourself accomplishing tasks you never imagined were possible and consequently become unstoppable in achieving your lifelong dreams. 

#4: Challenge Your Thoughts

Why do you give yourself bad labels such as “I am stupid, slow, worthless, ugly, useless,” etc.? Is it because someone in your past called you that? Did they really have a solid basis to give you that label? How well do they know you? Have they seen the woman or man you have become lately? 

Asking your inner self such questions helps you to look at the other side of the coin. For example, just because my skin has acne doesn’t mean I’m ugly. It’s just one of the many stages in life. And just because I have mobility challenges doesn’t mean I am useless. I still have the brain and hands to write my next bestseller. Challenge your thoughts, whether good or bad, and you will realize that not every gospel you hear is factual. 

#5: Develop an Alternative Plan

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We don’t have control over our limiting beliefs because they provide a soft fallback. We don’t take risks because we fear getting hurt or hurting others. Say, for example, you’re afraid of getting kids because you’re scared you’ll never be a good mom. Instead of dwelling on being single for the rest of your life, how about you start accommodating other kids in your home and see how well you nurture them? 

You can request your siblings or friends to drop off their toddlers over the weekend and dedicate your energy to looking after them just as if they were your own. After a few months, your natural motherly instincts will start to kick in, and who knows, you might start looking at kids differently. 

If you’re afraid of public speaking because you feel invisible or you’re afraid your voice is not good enough, how about you start by recording podcasts?

Or, if you constantly feel worthless, how about starting a small project that gives you a sense of belonging? Like donating your coffee to a homeless person every morning. Or helping an elderly neighbor water their flowers every weekend. 

The Bottom Line

It’s very easy to develop self-limiting beliefs, especially with a rough childhood or a traumatic past. Our mind is constantly working to protect our fragile ego from getting hurt again. However, the sooner you realize how much you have been missing in your quest to play safe, the sooner you need to break these limiting thoughts and redefine yourself. Your potential starts and ends in your mind. Dare to dream again and develop unshakable confidence because only you can do it. 

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