Overthinking is a habit that if not taken under control can cause tremendous distress and suffering. When overthinking, our brain tries to convince us that all those worries and ruminations could be helpful. Many overthinkers have a firm belief that they can come up with a better solution or prevent themselves from making the same mistake if they spend more time thinking and analyzing. All these can lead to analysis paralysis which becomes a real problem. The more you think, the worse you feel. Overthinking often leads to anxiety, anger, frustration, fear, and other negative emotions that may cloud your judgment and prevent you from seeing the situation clearly. In this article, I want to share with you 6 effective tips on how to stop overthinking and take control of your mind.

What Is Overthinking?

Overthinking is basically what its name suggests – thinking too much. When you are going over the same thought, again and again, so that your brain becomes incapable of translating this thought into actions or positive outcomes. When you think about something too much or for too long, that you can’t get it out of your head and feel worried or stressed about it – this is overthinking.

Do you often worry about the future, catastrophic predictions about events that haven’t happened yet? Do you think with regret about your past, “should haves” and “could haves.” Do you fret over what others might think of you or let negative self-talk build up in your mind? These are examples of overthinking.

If you are one of those who tend to overthink an important decision, replaying all the options in your head, you may experience “paralysis by analysis”. You are so afraid of taking the wrong action, so you take no action at all.

Overthinking often leads to sleepless nights when your brain just won’t turn off, increased symptoms of depression, elevate your stress levels, and cloud your judgment. 

Common Types Of Overthinking

Nick Wignall, a clinical psychologist, suggests four common types of overthinking:

#1: Worry

This is one of the most common types of overthinking where we imagine possible problems or dangers in the future.

“Of course, anticipating problems or threats in the future is often a good thing to do! But helpful planning is different from unhelpful worry in that worry doesn’t actually lead to new information or insights that can be helpful. For example, your spouse is on a plane flight and you start worrying about different ways the plane could crash and kill your spouse. This kind of thinking doesn’t actually keep your spouse safe, plus it adds a lot of stress and anxiety to you.” – Nick Wignall

#2: Depressive Rumination

This type of overthinking is about replaying events from the past in an unhelpful way. A depressive rumination is a specific form of overthinking our own past mistakes or failures.

“As opposed to helpful reflection, depressive rumination is unproductive and doesn’t lead to anything but shame, guilt, and sadness at oneself. Depressive rumination is one of the key drivers of not only depression but also self-criticalness and low self-esteem.” – Nick Wignall

#3: Angry Rumination

This type of overthinking is similar to depressive rumination except the object of the overthinking is other people and their mistakes rather than yourself.

“For example, after a fight with your spouse, you find yourself replaying arguments you’ve had with them in the past and going over evidence of why you were right and they were wrong. Although it often feels good in the moment, angry rumination tends to lead to aggression, resentment, and distorted beliefs about other people in our lives.” – Nick Wignall

#4: Fix-It Mode

This type of overthinking happens when someone is sharing a painful or difficult experience with you and you have a hard time tolerating the anxiety that comes from hearing it. It affects you in a way that you begin thinking about best ways to fix the problem or do things differently.

“Fix-It Mode is a form of overthinking because you’re applying problem-solving-style thinking when what would be more helpful is to simply listen empathetically and validate the person’s difficulty rather than trying to fix it (and make yourself feel better in the process).” – Nick Wignall

Of course, there are many other types of overthinking. But the four listed tend to be the most common and often produce the most suffering.

Why Do We Overthink?

Often, the tendency to overthink roots in unhealed trauma or deep emotional issue. Here are the most common reasons why we overthink:

• childhood trauma
• obsessive desire to control the situation
• intolerance of uncertainty and tendency to pretend that things are more predictable than they are
• perfectionism (as intolerance of feeling less than perfect)
• an excuse for procrastinating or avoiding decisions
• you see everything as a problem to be solved with lots of thinking
• excessive fear of conflict

Of course, there are many more reasons of overthinking. But the listed seven are some of the most common. The above causes are a good place to start if you want to stop overthinking.

How To Stop Overthinking?

Now let’s talk about how to stop overthinking. Here are six strategies that I find most effective.

#1: Identify the Emotions Behind Overthinking

First, try to identify what emotion is hiding behind your overthinking. For example, when you start overthinking by worrying about future events, it might be the case that overthinking is functioning to relieve or alleviate some anxiety you have about your future. Overthinking may temporarily distract you from your anxiety temporarily and give you the illusion of control in a short term. However, it’s not solving the problem but only makes it worse. Therefore, it’s essential to look for the emotions behind overthinking and ask yourself if there’s a better way to deal with them.

When you take time to identify your emotions and validate them, it helps you to become more productive in the long run.

#2: Challenge Negative Thoughts

Overthinking is often a response to feeling bad emotionally. But if you allow your negative thoughts to take control of your mind, you end up feeling even worse. It’s easy to get carried away with negative thoughts. The most effective way to switch the frequency of your thought patterns is to practice positive self-talk.

Next time when you start overthinking, pause for a moment and point out that your thinking is not entirely accurate. This simple technique will help you to achieve a more balanced and emotionally neutral way of thinking. With practice, you’ll learn to recognize and replace negative thinking patterns, before they work you up into complete insanity.

#3: Focus On Problem Solving

Overthinking your problems isn’t helpful – but looking for solutions is. If it’s something you have some control over, think about how you can prevent the problem or challenge yourself to identify a couple of potential solutions. If it’s something you have no control over – think about the strategies you can use to cope with it. Instead of overthinking your problems, focus on the things you can control, like your attitude and your effort.

#4: Schedule Time For Reflection

Instead of dwelling on your problems for long periods of time, try to take a brief reflection on them. Constructive reflection can help you to see more clearly how you could do things differently, recognize potential pitfalls to your plan, and perform better in the future.

For example, you could schedule 10 minutes of “thinking time”. During that time period let yourself think, analyze, or mull over whatever you want. But when your time is up, move onto something else. And when you start overthinking things outside of your scheduled thinking time, simply remind yourself that you’ll need to wait until your next “thinking time” session to address those issues in your mind.

You can’t simply make yourself stop worrying. But this simple strategy will train your mind to do it at the right time.

#5: Change Your Activity

If you can’t make yourself stop thinking about something, try to change your activity. Things like exercising, engaging in conversation on a completely different subject, or working on a project can help you to switch the focus of your attention and stop overthinking. Doing something different will put an end to the negative internal dialogue.

#6: Practice Mindfulness

The mindfulness practice will help you to train yourself to be aware of things without thinking about them. By practicing mindfulness we become able to notice when negative thought patterns arise and shift our attention out of thinking mode and into awareness mode.

You can start practicing mindfulness by simply paying attention to the experience of every activity during daily life rather than thinking about it. Or, you can practice mindfulness meditation. For doing it, simply sit down, close your eyes, and focus on your breath for 20 minutes.

The Bottom Line

Overthinking takes a lot of energy. It takes away your inner peace and harmony. But the good news is that overthinking is a habit and habits can be broken with the right approach and enough patience. If you want to stop overthinking, the key is to understand why you do it and then implement the strategies to eliminate it.

People-pleasing might not look like something bad. What’s wrong with being nice to others, trying to help them out, and make them happy? However, people-pleasing goes beyond simply being nice and kind to others. It involves editing your behavior for the sake of other people’s feelings or reactions. In this article, I will share with you what people-pleasing is, how you can identify a people pleaser, how this affects your life, and what you can do about it. Read on.

What Is a People Pleaser?

A people pleaser is a term used for describing a person who pleases others just for the sake of keeping them as a friend or making them happy.

People-pleasing is a strategy for coping with the lack of security in a relationship. A people pleaser’s goal is to keep anyone from knowing just how bad and insecure they feel about themselves and they will strive for this goal at any cost. They hope that saying “yes” to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked.

In an intimate relationship, a people pleaser frequently paints illusions that depict what they believe their partner wants to see in them and never show their true face of who and what they really are.

11 Signs of a People Pleaser

Now, how can you tell if you are a people pleaser? Here are 11 telltale signs that you can be one.

#1: You need others to like you

Do you often catch yourself worrying about rejection? Do you have a strong desire of being needed? Do you believe that when people need you, there is a better chance of receiving affection from them? Are these worries, desires, and beliefs often lead to specific actions designed to keep people happy with you so they don’t reject you?

If you anwered “yes” to at least one of these questions, that could be a sign that you are a people pleaser.

#2: Sometimes you feel like you’re being taken advantage of

For some people it’s easy to recognize and take advantage of a people pleaser. They know you will agree to whatever they ask, so they will keep on asking. And you keep saying yes, because you are afraid of being rejected and want to keep them happy.

#3: You’d rather do something you don’t want to than say “no”

Do you feel uncomfortable of saying “no” even if you’re asked for something you don’t want to do? Do you sometimes fake an illness (or being busy with work) to get out your commitments? That could be a sign of a people pleaser?

You might worry that telling someone “no” will make them think you don’t care about them. For you, it seems like a safer option to just agree to do whatever they want, even if you don’t actually have the time or desire to help.

#4: You apologize often

People pleasers tend to apologize often, even when it’s not necessary or when it’s not even their fault. Sometimes it may seem like they apologize for being themselves. You should be aware that frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. 

#5: You feel exhausted and stressed

Do you feel like you don’t have enough focus or/and energy to complete a task, reach your goals, or lead your project to success? Is your own life disorganized? Are you often late? Do you have a feeling of being barely held together? This could be a sign that you’re a people pleaser. A lack of boundaries eventually leads to burnout, exhaustion, and stress.

#6: You can’t stand being criticized

Even a small criticism can seriously upset you, shake your self-esteem, and even turn you against the person who said it. When your self-esteem depends on other people’s opinion of you, you can never feel secure and relaxed. You are in constant need of proving your worth by pleasing others. And criticism is a sign that your technique isn’t working. That’s why you feel so upset when others criticize you.

#7: You need praise to feel valuable

A people pleaser depends on validation. If your self-worth depends on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others shower you with compliments. Also, if you do something for people, you always expect something in return – gratitude, a good opinion of you, nice words about you, appreciation, etc. Usually, deep inside you know exactly how you want a person to react and what to say in gratitude to your action. However, such expectations often fail.

#8: You pretend to agree with everyone

Agreeability seems like the quickest way to win approval. However, if you pretend to agree with someone/something just to keep everyone happy, you’re setting yourself and others up for future frustration.

#9: You suffer if someone is angry at you

When someone is angry at us, it’s usually pretty uncomfortable for most of us. However, a people pleaser takes this uncomfortable feeling to the next level. Knowing that someone is angry at you feels so bad that you’ll be more likely to compromise your values just to overcome this situation.

#10: You often feel frustrated and resentful

You spend the majority of your time doing things for others. The people you help might appreciate your sacrifices. But they may also not realize that you’re making sacrifices for them.

In either case, being conditionally nice expecting people to treat you a certain way, can eventually cause frustration and resentment. This often turns into passive-aggressive behavior. Such behavior can confuse or even upset people who genuinely don’t understand what’s happening with you.

#11: You’re a giver with a goal of being liked

Being a people pleaser usually means you are a giver. You like giving to others whatever you can – your time, attention, compliments, support, help, gifts, money, etc. Making sacrifices for others might feed your self-esteem and make you feel more worthy of being liked by others. However, such a tendency can also lead to a sense of martyrdom.

Why Being Too Nice Can Be Dangerous

Being a people pleaser is an everyday struggle when you’re constantly under big pressure. Though it might feel good and very satisfying to be recognized as a nice person, it puts you under extreme pressure to keep up with the self-image of a saint. Therefore, most people pleasers struggle with stress all the time.

When you’re a people pleaser no one really knows the authentic you – they only know the image that you present them with. This often makes you feel lonely, “invisible”, and “unseen,” even if you are constantly in the spotlight.

Being a people pleaser, you may not be conscious of suppressing some of your negative emotions, but eventually, you will have to face the consequences. You can’t sacrifice yourself to other people’s needs, deny yourself, and expect to feel fine in the longterm. Suppression of emotions eventually results in physical or psychological breakdowns. Many chronic mental and physical illnesses are caused by the desire to please others.

It’s very important to come to the realization that people-pleasing is a self-destructive pattern. At first, it might come across as a selfless act. However, people-pleasing is actually a selfish act because you’re trying to control someone else’s reaction towards you by behaving in a certain way.

As a rule, people-pleasing is based more on the desire to be in control than it is to please other people. The desire to be liked by others is just a symptom of the desire to be in control because deep down you feel powerless or worthless.

How To Stop Being a People Pleaser?

#1: Learn to say “no”

You don’t have to say “yes” all the time. Realize that you have a choice to say “no” anytime you feel uncomfortable doing something. By learning to say “no” when you feel like it, you will not look like you don’t care but it will show people that you are being authentic and truthful with them.

#2: Set clear boundaries

Ask yourself what you’re willing to do, and don’t go beyond these limits. Always let people know when they’re stepping over your boundaries. Be clear and polite. Don’t feel bad about telling people that they can’t just pop over when they want to or borrow your things without asking or call you in the middle of the night.

#3: Take your time to analyze the situation before agreeing into something

When someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly fine to say that you will need some time to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to analyze the situation and decide if you can commit to helping them. Don’t hesitate to ask the details about the commitment for clarifying what exactly is needed from you.

When analyzing the situation, ask yourself:

• How stressful is this going to be?
• Do I have the time and desire to do this?
• What am I going to give up/sacrifice for committing to this task?
• How pressured or stressed am I going to feel?

If the person needs an answer right away, it’s best to say “no”. Rushing yourself into “yes” may get you stuck in a situation that is too stressful for you to handle.

#4: Set a time limit

If you do agree to help someone out, it’s essential to limit your time frame when you’re available for this person. For example, you can tell them that you are only available from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. If they really need your help they will make it work. But do not sacrifice your plans for other people’s needs, especially if they don’t respect your time and boundaries.

#5: Don’t give unnecessary excuses

Being a people pleaser created a habit in you to always defend your decision to say no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires. As soon as you start explaining, you give the other person a perfect opportunity to come back and give you options to whether to do it later or ask to adjust your schedule, or something else. And at the end of the day, you will end up still doing what they want.

#6: Don’t apologize if it’s not your fault

Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if your apology is really necessary and you’re really at fault. Ask yourself if you’re really responsible for the situation. If the answer is “no”, you don’t need to apologize just to make people comfortable.

#7: Use positive self-talk

Use positive self-talk to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries. For example, you might say “I can do this,” “I have the right to make decisions and do the things the way I want them to be done,” “My decision is right for me”, “My values are more important than saying yes in this situation”, etc.

Conclusion

A people-pleasing is a daily struggle that crashes your spirit constantly. This destructive pattern leads to intense anxiety, chronic pain, and tons of repressed emotions. In order to solve this problem, you need to shift your focal point from the outside to the inside world. Be gentle to yourself. Remember that to be loved is your birthright. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for being liked or appreciated. Eventually, your authentic self will blossom in its divine beauty and your light will be enough for people wanting to be around you.

Boundaries are an essential part of life. Regardless of a person’s background, gender, race, financial status, and level of awareness; poor boundaries are a common theme in those who struggle with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and disempowerment. Assisting a client in developing insight into their personal boundaries leads to much awareness as to how they relate to themselves and the world at large.

Developing awareness about the underlying belief systems that influence current boundaries and learning to establish healthy boundaries from increased discernment are both pivotal to transformation. It is important to recognize where one ends and another begins and to take the time to make choices that are in alignment with one’s truth.

Liberation from taking on external expectations and finding balance with the heart’s desire are the gateway to healthy boundaries which lead to conscious relating. 

What Are Boundaries?

In the traditional sense, boundaries can be defined as lines that mark the limits of an area. In some ways that can be interpreted as dividers or even shields. In this context, boundaries are that which differentiates us from anything that is external and non-organic to our heart’s truth. They help us recognize our own needs versus that of others or versus the many shoulds that we identify with.

Healthy boundaries assist us in remaining true to our intuition and help us define who we truly are and not who we think we should be. Boundaries are the ones that remove the emphasis from what we can expect from others because we are clear in what we can expect from ourselves.

Boundaries can be a measure of a person’s self-worth and they can also be an empowering means to rectify any self-deprecation. They assist us in showing up in the world with overflow rather than from exhaustion. They are the tools with which we practice assertiveness, self-acceptance, and, most of all, increased trust. 

Boundaries are multi-faceted and far from simple; they need to be approached by everyone with great scrutiny for them to be understood. Healthy boundaries are not cultivated overnight and like most things in life, they are also fluid and rely on the meeting of each moment with full presence. They heed significant self-awareness, authentic communication not just with the external world but with the self. 

Boundaries in one regard call forth the respect of one’s physical space and body, they can also speak of the reverence that should be held for the privacy of another or to repeating the story of another.

Boundaries can also be called forth in business relations and when there is responsibility for another. For example, in the realm of service and energy work. Intuits, empaths, healers all have to learn to hold boundaries not just of what they take on but also of what they read into.

In Native American cultures, it was known to be rude to look into someone’s personal lodge when walking by – the same rings true in reading the energetic field of another without permission. Just because you can, doesn’t mean should. 

Boundaries come up in all relationships – regardless of the labels. Boundaries supersede all entitlement and all expectations – instead, they invite authentic communication as well as incite profound awareness. As mentioned, they can be broken down and looked at through endless scenarios that range from interpersonal relationships, professional spheres as well as the multi-dimensional energetic realms that bear much influence on all and yet are seldom considered or recognized.

Where Lies the Distortion?

We all navigate our lives based on the social and cultural principles in which we were born into. Since before our toddler years, we are offered cues as to what is right and what is wrong. We are shown how to conduct ourselves for a sense of approval and we tend to learn how to dismiss or hide our feelings in light of supporting an expectation of us. This severs us from trusting our intuition and we replace that with logic and a controlled outcome.  The implications of what is right or wrong supersede the individual need which often leads to harbored resentment, unfulfilling relationships, displays of power struggle, and other various forms of dissatisfaction. 

These forms are often projected unto another and create a perpetual cycle of feeling victimized by life. Without boundaries, one often places all blame on circumstances rather than taking accountability for the role played. It is often that blame is placed on another. However, we forget that we cannot expect from another what we are not willing to stand for within ourselves. 

Poor boundaries model a narcissistic and codependent dynamic. They can be toxic – lead to power struggles and manipulation. They can also lead to cognitive distortions. For example, people-pleasers tend to feel objectified by others and commanding personalities are often resentful that they “have” to hold all the responsibility. It is often the case that the intentions are good but the boundaries are poor. Obligation, expectation, demands, guilt, fear are all on the list when explaining how the “wrong” thing is done for the “right” reasons.   

Where Do We Go From Here?

In this day of age, it is a disservice to all to walk through the world afraid of embracing who we truly are. It is imperative to feel worthy enough to walk in integrity. The clarity that we have within offers greater clarity to the world at large. We indeed are the micro to the macro. It is rather obvious that the world needs to be remedied and as I have always expressed this stems from the seed that is each individual. 

Boundaries are a crucial starting point. They do not beget separation as one may assume; instead, they invite unconditional self-love which ultimately can translate into authentic intimacy as we learn to be accountable for ourselves.

Healthy boundaries hold space for the complexities of each person without projection or personal offense. They are a complete re-education of the self that challenges outdated belief systems that are confining and only serve to keep us in separation from ourselves and therefore each other.

It takes great valor to stand up for our truths in every moment. These truths are often found beyond what society has orchestrated as right, safe, and appropriate for us. The programs run deep and yet our liberation is not sustainable if we don’t have the courage to discern what is truly ours and what is not.  

We are all our own compass and we are not meant to be defined by another. Our sovereignty is our birthright and there has been much imprinted on us that keeps us from experiencing this. In order for conscious relating to unfold; awareness of self, including our actions, our responses, and our programs is needed. Only then can we see ourselves, have the courage to share who we are with another, and ultimately live from our truth and not in dilution. A full-body yes is ever so worth it.

About Ishtar

Ishtar is a psychotherapist (LCSW) who earned her masters’ degree from New York University in 2006. She is also a KRI certified Kundalini Yoga instructor; licensed in 2013 at Goldenbridge, New York City. Prior to this training, in 2008 she experienced what she coins as divine remembrance and has spent the last 13 years in service to others as a wayshower in the ascension process. As a Christed pillar of light embodying the solar crystalline frequencies; she carries the codes of gnosis and sacred transformation. Ishtar is a Rose priestess of cosmic lineage and holds a multidimensional awareness that guides clients from all walks of life into divine union. Currently, she resides with her daughter Ixchel Inanna in the city New York and remains committed to activating divine remembrance through a myriad of sacred tools.  ​

About Luminous Magik

Luminous Magik practice focuses on traditional integrative psychotherapy infused with an array of healing modalities intuitively tailored to your specific needs. The sessions can include Kundalini yoga and Meditation, Energetic Alignments, Light Language, Shadow Work, Ancestral Clearing, Womb Activations & Cosmic Coding. For more information, visit Ishtar’s website luminousmagik.com.