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Toxic Relationship: Go from Crash & Burn to Learn & Grow!

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Intoxicating or TOXIC?

By definition, a toxic relationship is where one or more people exhibit unhealthy behavior and lack mutual respect for each other. Extreme toxic relationships can be mentally, emotionally, and physically harmful, but not all toxic relationships are abusive.

And on the flipside, there are healthy relationships tethered to love. Now, love comes in all forms and means something different to each and every one of us. However, it is HOW we LOVE and ALLOW OURSELVES to be LOVED that are the key differentiators between a toxic relationship and a healthy one.

For example, what we think may be EXCITING (intoxicating) in a relationship may actually be an extremely detrimental dynamic that is perpetuating our toxic love orbit.

We form so many different layers of connections and commitments in one lifetime – from lovers – to friendships, and with family members and co-workers.

For this specific article, I will focus on the relationship you have with your romantic partner (but, not the extreme of physical abuse in regard to toxic relationships). If you are in the midst of a physically abusive relationship, please seek professional help or contact your local authorities.

OK, let’s dive in! 

Is Your Soul Tank on Empty?

What happens when you realize the love you once thought was fueling your soul tank, is actually holding you back or worse yet – detrimental to your self-esteem, success, daily happiness, and overall well-being?

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Don’t give up—instead, change your mindset and pivot!

In this article, I will help you identify which direction your very own love orbit is floating and how to realign with your greater good. You will also gain simple strategies on how to move out of the “toxic zone” and into the kind of relationship that serves your higher good – instead of crushing your soul!

Let’s Start with Relationship Red Flags.

First, I’d like to call out some positive attributes in a relationship that include excitement (butterflies), curiosity, inspiration, and motivation. These can all be amazing experiences in any relationship – FOR SURE!

BUT, what happens when these feelings are offset by stomach pangs, jealousy, insecurity and downright spinning anxiety keeping you up at night? You know, that burning sensation in your solar plexus when you hear that person’s ringtone or text coming in—UGH!

These are the pesky “Red Flags” that we often ignore because we have the aforementioned positive experiences. And quite frankly— we may have blinders on!

Sometimes love is in fact blind. But, I believe that it’s not always the love for the other person that this saying is about.

Instead, what if the blinders are actually our own walls preventing us from SEEING OURSELVES— truly, madly, deeply— to delve into:

  • Who we really are?
  • What we ultimately want?
  • What we truly deserve?

With that said, occasionally we can even hide out in certain relationships and it feels safe under all of this drama.

Can you relate to any of this?

Sometimes it’s easier to feel these other emotions (that end up distracting us from dealing with our own stuff). But, in the end, this will be the demise of the very relationship that is shielding us from ourselves.

Or even worse, make us feel trapped in something that we are not completely fulfilled in.

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So, please do not— I repeat, don’t ignore these Red Flags, as these are the bane of a very unhealthy relationship – one that is inhibiting you from connecting to your true self and aligning with your soul’s purpose to learn and grow.

So, how do you really know if you’re in a toxic relationship?

Here are 20 signs to help you gauge your relationship toxicity-level.

You Experience:

  1. Negative Energy
  2. Despair
  3. Insecurity
  4. Consistent Hurt
  5. Feeling Rejected (emotionally, physically or both)
  6. Lack of Communication
  7. Playing the Blame Game Often
  8. Feeling Bad About Yourself
  9. Infidelity (either side or both)
  10. Control Issues
  11. Empty Promises
  12. Feeling Undervalued and Underappreciated
  13. Daily Fear
  14. Feeling Unsafe
  15. Lying about your relationship to others
  16. Feeling Stuck
  17. Passive Aggressive Behavior
  18. Self Esteem depleted
  19. Feel like the parent in the relationship
  20. Avoiding Each Other (includes physically or verbally)

Please note that you may have just a few of these experiences in your relationship, but it is truly up to you on what your absolute “deal breakers” are, based on the frequency and level of unhealthy behaviors.

However, if you experience a majority of the above, you may want to reevaluate your relationship. And, ultimately decide if you are ready to move on so you can create “space” for a more satisfying and healthy partnership.

Either way, the ONE KEY COMPONENT to understand in any relationship is that you cannot change the other person.

So, what can you do?

Well, you can (and must) take control over your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Which leads us to my top suggestions on how you can start changing your relationship script!

Change Your Relationship Script

6 Steps to Happy & Healthy

#1

Practice Awareness & Take Responsibility

Start right now! Awareness of self and what’s really going on in the relationship is paramount. Please always remember that you are in the driver’s seat and have the CHOICE each and every day to move out of victim mode and into big and beautiful empowerment!

#2

Drop the Codependency & Fix the Fixer in You!

need to be needed trap image

This is referring to the “need to be needed” trap – aka codependency created in a relationship. This also includes the wounded-bird syndrome, and going after the “emotionally unavailable” person – all of which are the perfect formula for a toxic relationship!

#3

Practice Self-Love & Up-Level Your Self-Value

You must tend to your own roots before you can merge with someone else’s life. Please remember that you were born into this world from love & light. Don’t lose sight of that fundamental truth. No matter what is happening in the relationship, you set your own value. Your partner does not define you-you define you.

#4

Learn & From Each Other

relationship mistakes image

The cornerstone of any healthy relationship is to learn, laugh, love and grow together. In a relationship, you choose to merge your lives together. With that, please remember the importance of encouraging, supporting and bringing out the best in each other (not changing each other). And, navigate life’s challenges as a team – united.

#5

Learn to Say No & Set Healthy Boundaries

This concept is so important when creating and maintaining a non-toxic relationship. Now, it’s not the same as issuing threats or ultimatums. Healthy boundaries are any limits that need to be set and honored so that you can love without resentment and with integrity. Push through the fear of rejection or judgment and find your voice!

#6

Communicate Authentically

free communication image

Relationships most certainly require hard work, passion, compromise, and dedication to sustain and flourish. However, the backbone to any relationship is open, honest, empathic and respectful communication. Don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader – speak your truth.

Transform Toxic into Intoxicating!

Please know that you have the power to transform a soul-crushing, toxic relationship into whatever your heart (and soul) desires. Realize that everything in life is a reflection of the perspective you hold about it, so if you see the glass as half empty – Change It Up and Reclaim Your Life!

Remember that YOU ARE MORE – more than you think. Once you identify what is broken in your relationship, you have the choice to change your situation. You can shift your mindset —peel back the layers and identify your relationship “deal breakers ”. Then, go deep within and find your courage, confidence, and clarity on your next steps.

Once you clear out the toxicity, you will allow space for a healthy and kick-ass relationship (either with this person or someone else). Either way, please stay true to yourself and trust the process on your journey!

Nina is the founder of Change It Up, LLC. and AGFS Foundation, Inc. She has a BA in communications and is a certified professional, personal, and confidence coach, as well as a mindfulness practitioner. In her previous career she led massive production, creative, and strategic teams for global Fortune 500 companies as an executive producer and an adult learning expert. Through her diverse career journey, she found that her greatest gifts and passion reside in her connections with people. She is happiest when she’s sharing her experiences and strategies to inspire and motivate others to achieve greater success and experience more daily joy.

Abundant Living

Quiz: Are You Attached To Material Possessions?

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When you are attached to material possessions, your mind is constantly thinking of questions like: “how to make more money?”, “how to attract more clients?”, “how to repay loans?”, “where to get more money for paying my bills?” etc., thereby creating an excess of creative energy (CHA energy) in your energy field. To balance the excess of creative energy (CHA) the universe directs destructive source (SO energy) to balance your current situation.

In situations with attachments to material possessions destructive energy (SO) will manifest itself in such a way that you will certainly lose something: money, health, people you love, peace, etc. In cases of credit or excessive debt, SO energy will manifest itself in such a way that the size of loans and debt will increase. Thus, the Universe will try to draw your attention to the energy imbalance that exists in your own energy field.

All you need to do is to establish a balance (LAN energy) between the creative (CHA) and destructive (SO) energies in the space around you. This balance can be achieved only by getting rid of your attachment to material possessions through the destruction of money and debt (credit) bindings. In order to do this, you need to start giving what you are attached to to other people. In this case, it is money. Now before you overreact and think this sounds ridiculous I don’t mean get rid of all of your money. You simply need to loosen the attachment and begin allowing the energy to flow again by releasing a small portion of it.

Do You Obey The Universal Law of Abundance?

There is such a thing as “tithing”, which means giving 10% of your income to charity.

Tithing has been used since ancient times by Egyptians, Babylonians, Arabians, Greeks, Romans, and Chinese. The word “tithe” means “tenth”. The ancient people regarded “10” as the number representing the increase.

The Universal Law of Abundance states that: “true abundance ALWAYS comes from a spiritual basis”.

The Absolute Awareness (God) is the Source of all supply. We should never forget that our bodies, minds, emotions, education, experiences, jobs or professions are just instruments of this prosperity. However, the Absolute Awareness (God) is the source. That is why if we want to be consistently prosperous we need to do something to “keep in touch” with that infinite source of all supply.

Regular, consistent giving opens the door to regular, consistent receiving.

The 10% of your income, given to charity, not only teaches you to be generous (and generosity, as we know, is the quality of God), not only heals you from material dependence, but also purifies the remaining 90% of your income, as well as removes energy congestion in the way of prosperity flow into your life.

Let’s imagine that you have 10 apples. One of them is rotten. To preserve the remaining 9 apples from decay, you have to throw away spoiled one. In addition, throwing one spoiled apple, you make room for a fresh apple and also save the remaining 9 apples you have.

The Law Of Tithing Image

The same goes for money. To save 90% of the money you have, and at the same time clear the way for the receipt of new funds, it is necessary to give “tithing”. It will remove the blocks of the money that you have, as well as eliminate energy congestion in the way of money flow.

What Happens When We Do NOT Obey The Law Of Tithing?

When we do not obey the “law of tithing,” we create an “energy swamp.” You have to understand that any energy, including money, must constantly move. If you constantly saving money just for yourself or your family needs, you stop the movement of abundance energy in your life, creating an excess of creative energy (CHA).

The Universe, according to the “law of tithing “, will still take this 10% from you, by taking away the flow of energy from your life. First, the destructive energy (SO) will eliminate the 10% from your life. And then, if you still do not find a balance, by removing your attachment to material possessions, the destructive energy (SO) will continue its activities in the field of your finances, health, and relationships. In other words, the destructive force will “walk” throughout your life like a tornado, sweeping away everything on its path.

Therefore, it is in your best interest to stop the excessive activity of destructive energy in time, thereby slowing it down.

What Kind of a Tithe Giver Are You?

At first, it is not always easy to give away something that you want for yourself. However, gradually moving along the path of spiritual development, one becomes aware of the illusory nature of material possessions and it becomes easier and easier to share.

charity giver image

There are four levels of the “tithe” givers:

Level 1: Giving with regret

On this level, people give 10% of income just because they understand that they have to, but reluctantly.

Level 2: Insufficient giving

On this level, people give less than 10% of the income. It’s a pleasure for them to give at least something.

Level 3: Giving without recognition

On this level, people anonymously give 10% of the income and feel happy about this.

Level 4: Unconditional giving

On this level, people give 10% of income unconditionally. It means that unconditional givers don’t even think about the “compensation” from the Universe. They give just because they are happy to give.

Each level of the giving involves the movement of abundance energy through the elimination of energy congestion (block). However, only at the fourth level, when you begin to share material possessions, without requiring compensation from the Universe (and with the quiet confidence that the Universe always takes care of you no matter what), you will notice fundamental changes in the financial component of your life – the rate of receipt of abundance energy in your life will increase many times, which will manifest the abundance of all aspects of your life. In this case, you will not be attached to money and material possessions but will be in a harmonious relationship with abundance. This state of body, mind, and spirit balance we call ABUNDANCE – state of LAN.

Are You Immune to Poverty?

As long as you’re attached to material possessions, you’re not immune to poverty. Here again, we are talking about duality. However, when you realize that such extremes of wealth (CHA) and poverty (SO) can lead to a harmonious state of body, mind, and spirit, you move away from duality towards the third element – ABUNDANCE (LAN).

Abundance LAN Image

Conclusion

Let’s be more responsible for the reality we live in! We are here not for the satisfaction of the ego’s ambitions. We came to this planet for making this world a better place. By obeying the Universal Laws we can manifest a better reality for all living beings. Let’s help each other without the expectation to receive something in return! And let’s give each other positive energy, love, and kindness!

And what if we start with giving money to those who are in need? Just be honest! Don’t try to trick the Universe. What’s your 10% tithe?

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Awareness

Understanding Social Anxiety & Gaining the Tools to Overcome

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What is Social Anxiety?

The Physiological Manifestations of Social Anxiety.

Social anxiety is the feeling of being out of control. Your body can morph into a state of crisis and go into fight or flight mode. Physiological changes can make it debilitating to adequately perfuse oxygen to the brain, leaving minimal space for rational thinking.

This, in combination with rapid heartbeat and fast-paced breathing, can create a recipe for disaster. You may feel like you want to pass out. Suddenly you’re becoming increasingly aware that everyone is watching you, judging you, curious about this phenomenon of physiological changes happening right before their eyes.

Heightened Awareness.

You become hyper-aware of EVERYTHING. Even the things that are most mundane. What you were nervous about before is heightened by all the chatter of voices around you, the various inflections in tone. You feel as though you’re being closed in on, and all you can think of is, “how can I get out of here?” If you could peel your skin off and step outside of your body to get away, you would.

But while all the oxygen is pumping to your brain to keep you alert and aware, only worsening your anxiety, and increasing your awareness of how awkward you (perceive yourself) to appear to those in the near vicinity, there is so little blood in your feet that they are planted firmly in place – you’re frozen and cannot move.

Not Just Shyness.

Shyness

Social anxiety is not just your average shyness. It’s a gut-wrenching disorder that prevents you from being able to find focus and think clearly, as your thoughts just buzz uncontrollably outside your mind and you can’t contain or tame them.

Can you relate to this?

If So, Here Are 6 Tips to Squash Social Anxiety

#1

Address It. Embrace It. Release It.

Like anything, the first step is to address that the problem exists. “I have social anxiety. But social anxiety doesn’t define me and I CAN overcome this.” After you get behind this, then you can progress forward to the next reassuring fact, which is: You’re not alone! About 7% of the US population is experiencing social anxiety right now. It’s much more common than it’s perceived to be.

#2

Do Not Avoid Social Situations

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The best way to beat it is to face it, and face it often. Every time you’re asked out to go to lunch with your colleagues, take them up on it. Be amongst the people! You will indeed feel nervous the first time around, but it gets easier with each offer you take your buds upon to go out. If at first, you don’t succeed, try again. Fake it until you make it. Whatever your mantra, you’ve got this!

#3

Get In with a Support Group

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been proven immensely successful in helping people overcome their social anxiety disorder. CBT will significantly help empower YOU to gain back control. You will learn techniques to break bad hardwiring and redirect those neurological pathways so that your brain produces and maintains more healthy connections – and that leads to more positive outcomes.

#4

Don’t Look Back – You’re Not Going That Way

Don’t Look Back Image

In order to prevent relapsing, keep moving forward! Don’t wallow in the could-have-been outcomes: “If I’d only expressed confidence in that situation, I might not have missed out on the opportunity.” Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress. Progress is what produces positive results, results in fuel change, change breaks bad habits, and this in turn catapults you forward down a more satisfied, happy path.

#5

Say Yes

Whether it’s “yes” to meeting new people, being amongst colleagues in a meeting you were asked last minute to join, or exchanging small talk with the barista at your favorite coffee stop – say YES! Each social interaction offer accepted is an opportunity to continue to grow. It will help you live a more abundant life because you will embrace and love you for you.

#6

Self-Care.

Practice daily self-care: breathing techniques, meditation, yoga, go for a run. Whatever your passion is, if it involves you, great! Exercise is especially beneficial as it raises your body’s feel-good hormones called endorphins, giving you more energy and fueling the mind with more positive thoughts. It works as a great way to kick off the day by way of these mindful breathing and meditation techniques, and it releases pent-up stress and racing, nagging thoughts after a long workday.

There is No Shame.

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Social anxiety can still seem to be a bit taboo, but it’s becoming less of that, as more people step out from the shadows. Please remember that it’s important not to avoid situations that can trigger the anxiety. This is key, as is getting in with a group of fellow peers who are experiencing similar feelings and emotions.

You’ve Got This!

None of this is a quick overnight fix. It requires consistency and persistence with continuous forward movement in order to overcome social anxiety. With awareness, a reliable support group, self-love, and mindfulness, it can be beat.

Have no regrets, continue moving forward, take care of yourself, and take others up on their offers to socialize. Just know you can and will do this!

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Healing

Karmic Relationship Healing: Effective Practice To Let Your Past Go!

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Your present is a reflection of your past worldview. Take a look around! Everything you have today is the result of your thoughts and actions in the past. If you’re not happy with your life or have problems with relationships you probably need to consider a karmic relationship healing.

As long as you’re attached to your past you give your energy to it. Thereby you take away the energy from the present. When you’re constantly reflecting on memories in your head (no matter if they are pleasant or unpleasant) it leads to a biased perception of the present moment. The present moment, in turn, has an impact on what your future will be. If there is not enough energy in the present moment, it will be even less in the future. Thus, your thoughts about the past have an impact not only on your present but also creates an energy deficit in your future.

Karmic Relationship Healing And Chakras

Very often other people “pull” us into the past. It can be people that hurt us, people we hurt, people with whom we argued, people we broke up with, etc. The memories of these people (conscious or subconscious) take energy through the energy cords that block our chakras.

Energy cord is an energy channel, which is formed as a result of a violation of harmonious energy interaction of a person with other people and forms attachments.

Negative emotions form cords on the corresponding chakras.

Karmic cords image

The Danger Of Energy Cords

The energy cords are dangerous because they cause energy failures in the energy field: from slowing the flow of energy to its complete stop in a certain chakra.

In addition, the cords significantly aggravate the communication, depriving you of liberty, weaken your connection with your Higher Self, and inhibit your development.

energy cords image

If your negative emotions are very strong, they can form energy cords that can persist for several incarnations. Moreover, in each new incarnation, you will attract those souls with whom you have energy cords again and again. And this circle of incarnations among the same souls will continue until you release yourself from these cords. Such a circle of incarnations, tied to the same souls, is called ”karmic connection”.

It is the absence of attachments (energy cords) that is an indicator of a free spirit. Therefore, in order to fully and harmoniously develop, it is necessary to get rid of karmic cords and free yourself from attachments.

Liberation from the energy cords does not imply the destruction of the energy connection between people but means the acquisition of freedom at the disposal of one’s life. For example, freed from the attachment to parents, you will not stop loving them and will not lose their love, but will find a harmonious relationship without pressure and manipulation.

The Most Common Attachments

Now let’s take a look at the most common energy cords that can affect your life in a very negative way.

Resentment

This energy cord has a negative impact on health. When you feel offended, in your thoughts you return to your offender, again and again, thereby generously giving your vital energy to your offender.

Guilt

This cord is based on your aggression directed at yourself. When we feel guilty, we realize that we can not correct what we’ve done. In our mind, we constantly analyze the thoughts of how we can beg forgiveness from the one who we hurt, and what we can do to make amends. As a result of systematic analyzing of such thoughts, the energy cord is formed.

Jealousy, Dependence, Passion

These kinds of cords arise when one person has a need to possess another person. He constantly thinks about the object of his lust, dreams about it, passionately wanting to get what he wants. Such thoughts create a strong energy cord.

Unrequited love

This cord has a very strong negative impact on health. It pulls out a very large amount of energy from the one who loves, and the one who’s loved. Naturally, here we are talking about illusory love because true love is always unconditional and brings only positive emotions.

illusory vs unconditional love image

Revenge

This cord is created as a result of building a plan of revenge in your head.

Pity, desire to save

This kind of cord is formed by ego. It is the ego that thinks that you are a Savior and a hero, makes you think that you are doing a good job, constantly “hanging” other people’s problems on your shoulders, and thinking that without your help and support people cannot cope. However, at the energy level, a cord is formed, on which your energy flows away towards the person you are so desperately trying to save. Thus, you become a donor for the energy vampire. Such a binding blocks both: your own development (because you simply do not have enough energy for it) and the development of the person to whom you are so actively helping to solve problems (because you take away from him/her the necessary life lessons for evolution and spiritual growth). As a result, interfering in the life of another person, you form a strong karmic connection.

Parent cords

parents control image

These cords are based on the desire to control your child. As a rule, parents explain their behavior with care and love, but this is a big mistake. Love cannot exist where there are an addiction and a desire to subjugate another person. Love lives only where freedom exists. If parents do not accept their child as an independent person and do not give him full freedom of self-realization, their energy completely blocks his main chakras, which prevents him from successfully building his personal life.

Karmic Relationship Healing Practice

No matter what kind of energy cords and attachments we have there is always something we can do. I’m talking about self-healing. Let me share with you a very powerful practice that provides a karmic relationship healing. This practice is aimed at the liberation from negative energy cords to a particular person.

First, you need to find out who you are attached to. Give yourself time to think about it. Who comes to mind most often? Write down the names of all the people you think about most often. After all, these are the people you have karmic cords with.

Writing notes image

Now you have a list of people to whom you are energetically attached. Follow the practice below, starting with the first person on your list.

  1. Light a candle with the intention to get rid of negative energy cords to … (say the name and last name of the person).
  2. Take a relaxed position, close your eyes.
  3. Invite the Higher self of the person you’re trying to let go and heal your karma from. To do this, say three times: “I invite the Higher Self of … (name and last name of the person) for karmic relationship healing and for removing the negative energy cords that exist between us for the sake of our Highest Good.”
  4. Visualize in your imagination this person in front of you. Imagine how a Golden ray comes out of his (her) Solar Plexus Chakra and enters your Solar Plexus Chakra. Concentrate on that ray.
  5. Visualize that you’re looking into the eyes of the person. Say 8 times: “I sincerely forgive you for everything you’ve done!”
  6. Keep concentrating on the Golden ray. This is your connection with the person. Through this ray, his (her) Higher Self receives messages from you in this meditation. Look into the eyes of the person, say 8 times: “Please forgive me for everything I’ve done!”
  7. Keep looking into the eyes of the person, say 8 times: “I sincerely and from the bottom of my heart thank you for everything you’ve done!”
  8. Now embrace this person in your imagination, and imagine the Golden-green ray of love coming out of your Heart chakra and going into his (her) Heart chakra. Accompany this ray with your love and words: “I love you!” (say 8 times).
  9. Now, in your imagination, move away from this person at arm’s length, and imagine how from each of your chakras to his respective chakras stretch cords similar to wires (there are seven of them).
  10. Pick up an imaginary lighter, light it and start annealing each cord, starting with the cord that connects your Muladhara chakras and finishing with the cord that connects your Crown chakras. Accomplish these actions with the words: “I completely forgive and let you go!» (8 times).
  11. Once you’ve annealed the last cord on your Crown chakras, imagine a wall of flame between you and the visualized person. At the same time, each of you is surrounded by a Golden cocoon of divine love. These Golden cocoons are healing all your wounds from annealing cords. Watch the flame between you, and as it burns, keep saying, “I’m letting you go!”.
  12. When the flame has dissipated, you will see yourself alone, surrounded by a Golden light, and realize that all the emotions and limitations that have been enclosed in the cords are only an illusion, a life lesson that you have passed.
  13. Thank the Universe for this lesson.
    Slowly open your eyes.

The number of such practices for each case is individual. It depends on the binding force. Sometimes it is enough to do this practice just one time. But still, to consolidate the result, it is better to do it 8 times for each person you’re trying to heal your karmic relationship with.

It is desirable to do a karmic relationship healing with all your friends. Don’t worry, the communication with them won’t stop if you’re interested in it.

After this practice, the person with whom you severed the energy cords, will feel that you have stopped feeding him (her) with your energy and will try to remind you of himself (herself). It can be a phone call, e-mail, another attempt to put pressure on you or something else. In other words, he (she) will try to provoke you to get emotional about something, so that you, once again, under the influence of his provocation, give him your energy. He (she) will do his (her) best to restore the cords. In this case, try to behave kindly with him (her), do not succumb to provocations. After that repeat your karmic relationship healing practice with this person once again to fix the result.

The Bottom Line

You can do karmic relationship healing practice as many times as you need. Sometimes I feel that I need to do it again with the same people I already healed my karma from. Our life changes every second of our existence. Today we feel like we have no attachments but when tomorrow comes we may feel that our old attachments rise again. If you feel that communication with some people isn’t pleasurable for you anymore it means on energy level you have cords to these people. And through these cords, you’re losing your energy. Before you distance yourself from these people do yourself a favor – do a karmic relationship healing first. I’m sure you don’t want to attract the same kinds of communication problems in the future.

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