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Toxic Relationship: Go from Crash & Burn to Learn & Grow!

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Intoxicating or TOXIC?

By definition, a toxic relationship is where one or more people exhibit unhealthy behavior and lack mutual respect for each other. Extreme toxic relationships can be mentally, emotionally, and physically harmful, but not all toxic relationships are abusive.

And on the flipside, there are healthy relationships tethered to love. Now, love comes in all forms and means something different to each and every one of us. However, it is HOW we LOVE and ALLOW OURSELVES to be LOVED that are the key differentiators between a toxic relationship and a healthy one.

For example, what we think may be EXCITING (intoxicating) in a relationship may actually be an extremely detrimental dynamic that is perpetuating our toxic love orbit.

We form so many different layers of connections and commitments in one lifetime – from lovers – to friendships, and with family members and co-workers.

For this specific article, I will focus on the relationship you have with your romantic partner (but, not the extreme of physical abuse in regard to toxic relationships). If you are in the midst of a physically abusive relationship, please seek professional help or contact your local authorities.

OK, let’s dive in! 

Is Your Soul Tank on Empty?

What happens when you realize the love you once thought was fueling your soul tank, is actually holding you back or worse yet – detrimental to your self-esteem, success, daily happiness, and overall well-being?

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Don’t give up—instead, change your mindset and pivot!

In this article, I will help you identify which direction your very own love orbit is floating and how to realign with your greater good. You will also gain simple strategies on how to move out of the “toxic zone” and into the kind of relationship that serves your higher good – instead of crushing your soul!

Let’s Start with Relationship Red Flags.

First, I’d like to call out some positive attributes in a relationship that include excitement (butterflies), curiosity, inspiration, and motivation. These can all be amazing experiences in any relationship – FOR SURE!

BUT, what happens when these feelings are offset by stomach pangs, jealousy, insecurity and downright spinning anxiety keeping you up at night? You know, that burning sensation in your solar plexus when you hear that person’s ringtone or text coming in—UGH!

These are the pesky “Red Flags” that we often ignore because we have the aforementioned positive experiences. And quite frankly— we may have blinders on!

Sometimes love is in fact blind. But, I believe that it’s not always the love for the other person that this saying is about.

Instead, what if the blinders are actually our own walls preventing us from SEEING OURSELVES— truly, madly, deeply— to delve into:

  • Who we really are?
  • What we ultimately want?
  • What we truly deserve?

With that said, occasionally we can even hide out in certain relationships and it feels safe under all of this drama.

Can you relate to any of this?

Sometimes it’s easier to feel these other emotions (that end up distracting us from dealing with our own stuff). But, in the end, this will be the demise of the very relationship that is shielding us from ourselves.

Or even worse, make us feel trapped in something that we are not completely fulfilled in.

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So, please do not— I repeat, don’t ignore these Red Flags, as these are the bane of a very unhealthy relationship – one that is inhibiting you from connecting to your true self and aligning with your soul’s purpose to learn and grow.

So, how do you really know if you’re in a toxic relationship?

Here are 20 signs to help you gauge your relationship toxicity-level.

You Experience:

  1. Negative Energy
  2. Despair
  3. Insecurity
  4. Consistent Hurt
  5. Feeling Rejected (emotionally, physically or both)
  6. Lack of Communication
  7. Playing the Blame Game Often
  8. Feeling Bad About Yourself
  9. Infidelity (either side or both)
  10. Control Issues
  11. Empty Promises
  12. Feeling Undervalued and Underappreciated
  13. Daily Fear
  14. Feeling Unsafe
  15. Lying about your relationship to others
  16. Feeling Stuck
  17. Passive Aggressive Behavior
  18. Self Esteem depleted
  19. Feel like the parent in the relationship
  20. Avoiding Each Other (includes physically or verbally)

Please note that you may have just a few of these experiences in your relationship, but it is truly up to you on what your absolute “deal breakers” are, based on the frequency and level of unhealthy behaviors.

However, if you experience a majority of the above, you may want to reevaluate your relationship. And, ultimately decide if you are ready to move on so you can create “space” for a more satisfying and healthy partnership.

Either way, the ONE KEY COMPONENT to understand in any relationship is that you cannot change the other person.

So, what can you do?

Well, you can (and must) take control over your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Which leads us to my top suggestions on how you can start changing your relationship script!

Change Your Relationship Script

6 Steps to Happy & Healthy

#1

Practice Awareness & Take Responsibility

Start right now! Awareness of self and what’s really going on in the relationship is paramount. Please always remember that you are in the driver’s seat and have the CHOICE each and every day to move out of victim mode and into big and beautiful empowerment!

#2

Drop the Codependency & Fix the Fixer in You!

need to be needed trap image

This is referring to the “need to be needed” trap – aka codependency created in a relationship. This also includes the wounded-bird syndrome, and going after the “emotionally unavailable” person – all of which are the perfect formula for a toxic relationship!

#3

Practice Self-Love & Up-Level Your Self-Value

You must tend to your own roots before you can merge with someone else’s life. Please remember that you were born into this world from love & light. Don’t lose sight of that fundamental truth. No matter what is happening in the relationship, you set your own value. Your partner does not define you-you define you.

#4

Learn & From Each Other

relationship mistakes image

The cornerstone of any healthy relationship is to learn, laugh, love and grow together. In a relationship, you choose to merge your lives together. With that, please remember the importance of encouraging, supporting and bringing out the best in each other (not changing each other). And, navigate life’s challenges as a team – united.

#5

Learn to Say No & Set Healthy Boundaries

This concept is so important when creating and maintaining a non-toxic relationship. Now, it’s not the same as issuing threats or ultimatums. Healthy boundaries are any limits that need to be set and honored so that you can love without resentment and with integrity. Push through the fear of rejection or judgment and find your voice!

#6

Communicate Authentically

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Relationships most certainly require hard work, passion, compromise, and dedication to sustain and flourish. However, the backbone to any relationship is open, honest, empathic and respectful communication. Don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader – speak your truth.

Transform Toxic into Intoxicating!

Please know that you have the power to transform a soul-crushing, toxic relationship into whatever your heart (and soul) desires. Realize that everything in life is a reflection of the perspective you hold about it, so if you see the glass as half empty – Change It Up and Reclaim Your Life!

Remember that YOU ARE MORE – more than you think. Once you identify what is broken in your relationship, you have the choice to change your situation. You can shift your mindset —peel back the layers and identify your relationship “deal breakers ”. Then, go deep within and find your courage, confidence, and clarity on your next steps.

Once you clear out the toxicity, you will allow space for a healthy and kick-ass relationship (either with this person or someone else). Either way, please stay true to yourself and trust the process on your journey!

Nina is the founder of Change It Up, LLC. and AGFS Foundation, Inc. She has a BA in communications and is a certified professional, personal, and confidence coach, as well as a mindfulness practitioner. In her previous career she led massive production, creative, and strategic teams for global Fortune 500 companies as an executive producer and an adult learning expert. Through her diverse career journey, she found that her greatest gifts and passion reside in her connections with people. She is happiest when she’s sharing her experiences and strategies to inspire and motivate others to achieve greater success and experience more daily joy.

Personal Development

6 Powerful Ways to Embrace, Heal and Re-parent Your Inner Child

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Inner Child Image

We as adults minimize our inner child’s desires. We silence their voices and messages. As we grow older into adulthood the weight of worldly expectations and survival requirements diminish our inner child’s presence.

We soon forget that part of us is still very much alive and is still a very big part of who we are. We’re programmed and taught to ignore and abolish this very important aspect of ourselves. Through years of indoctrination and programming, we learn to suppress and forget our inner child.

With all the responsibilities and duties on our plate, we can become hardened, calloused and insensitive to the very fragile, vulnerable and lighthearted parts of ourselves that live in our inner children. Many of us become addicted to seriousness, structure and repetitive behaviors. We forget how it feels to be a child: the playful, imaginative, innocence and softness that comes with our inner child. This aspect of ourselves, though largely ignored, wants to be acknowledged and allowed to be activated.

In this article, I’m going to give you some tips on embracing and healing your inner child.

It’s no secret that many us have endured painful and traumatic childhoods. But even if your childhood was very happy and supported, we as adults most often times put our inner child to rest. Here are some helpful things you can do to activate and get in touch with your inner child, which can lead to healing old wounds that may have not been resolved or even acknowledged.

inner children Image

1. Visualization and Meditation

A very powerful tool that I use myself, is to find a quiet and sacred place that you feel safe in to revisit and visualize yourself as a small child. For me, this meant uncovering, acknowledging and coming to terms with some very painful memories of being traumatized as a small child. I took myself back to those most vulnerable moments in time and felt how it felt for my inner child.

This will obviously be emotional and can be difficult to revisit, but the purpose of this is not to dwell in the pain but to acknowledge it and allow ourselves to feel through it, in order to move forward and begin to reassure and comfort your inner child. Give yourself the love and safety you needed as a child. Whatever trauma happened, you can visualize your adult self-clearing and re-writing new stories that involve joy and happiness. Let your inner child know that the adult in you is very capable and loving. Hold your inner child’s hand and coddle them.

This may sound silly and even ridiculous but it’s a very powerful tool for healing. The problem with past childhood traumas is these memories become trapped in our cellular memory, as the pain has most often not been acknowledged or completely felt.

Angela Fitts Gratitude Image

By doing this exercise you can begin to release the trapped emotions by facing the painful parts that still exist and move through them with more ease and grace.

Acknowledgment is powerful medicine and when you combine that with love and gentleness, the combination transmutes dense energies that may be present. Once you are able to revisit and reassure yourself, you can then begin to re-write and re-program more pleasant outcomes and experiences. This doesn’t minimize the trauma that actually took place, but it allows you to empower that aspect of yourself to begin to heal and feel safe. Once you move into this stage you will notice yourself feeling clearer and happier overall.

This does not only apply to those with unpleasant or traumatic experiences as children, but this applies to those with happy and loving childhoods as well. By revisiting your inner child’s sweetest memories you will awaken and reactivate those parts of you that have been dormant.

2. Keep your sense of humor present

We take life and ourselves too seriously. Taking things personally or being too rigid steals our joy. Many people think that by being serious, focused and structured will ensure some worldly success, but this is not true. We can tap into our inner child by keeping things lighthearted and finding humor in the small things. This is not to say that structure, discipline, and focus aren’t needed as well, but we can have these attributes and play them out with laughter and lightness behind them. Our inner child loves to explore, imagine and try new things. When we stifle this part of ourselves we become tired, unsatisfied and lack creation.

Angela Fitts Sense Of Humor Image

There’s a reason why the saying “laughter is the best medicine” remains true. When you see children at play there’s always laughter present. When you find yourself being super serious, remind yourself that life is what you make of it and that you can choose to let things roll off your shoulders and you can choose to release the stress we sometimes resign ourselves to as part of our adult life. By committing yourself to remaining positive and finding a sense of humor in your day to day interactions, you will feel happier and more content with whatever comes your way. In fact the more you practice and choose lightness the more it becomes your nature.

3. Let your imagination run wild

This is another part of ourselves that as adults can become underused and lost. As children, we use our imaginations all of the time. The brain of a child, for the better part of the first 7 years of life, is in a theta state. This is imagination. This is when we create magical things. This is when we would lose ourselves in playful spaces. This part of ourselves is very important to keep active. This is how we co-create and bring into manifestation our dreams, intentions, and goals.

Be your own Cheerleader Image

Allow yourself time and space to lose yourself in your imagination. No dream is too big or unrealistic. Allow yourself to see things in your mind’s eye that make your heart swell with happiness and allow the tears of joy to flow. Our thoughts are electric and our emotions are magnetizing. This is how you create the timelines you want to play out in your life. Don’t ever downplay or diminish your imagination, it is a very powerful tool.

4. Do things you did as a child

So many times we blanket our lives with adult responsibilities without expressing and participating in things we loved to do as children. We take on this belief that those days are over or we place physical limitations on things we used to do as children. We think it would be foolish, or we feel ashamed for doing the things we loved as kids. The truth is that the more we express ourselves in things that brought us so much joy as a child, we will find that they still bring us as much, or more, joy as adults.

For example, I love headstands, cartwheels, and handstands. I practice and do them all the time as a 47-year young woman! I will do them ‘til I am physically unable to! I love to color, I love to make arts and crafts, I love to watch children’s animated stories, I love to climb trees, I love to play dress up, I love to dance. These things make my heart happy and allow me to tap into that youthful energy and expression. By doing these things I feel it keeps me feeling young, active and lighthearted. I feel restored and peaceful.

Angela Fitts tree image

Embrace the things that made you feel happiest as a kid and revisit your childhood favorites. Don’t worry about how you look or what others may think, just do it and your heart will come alive. Some things may be more difficult to do than when you were a kid but don’t let that stop you from practicing, playing and having fun with it.

5. Stay in touch and present with your inner child

Once you realize that your inner child is always with you and a very big part of your adult self, keep being present with it. Make it a habit to check in and honor that aspect of yourself regularly. Include, comfort, and engage your inner child. Move beyond your ego telling you it’s silly, childish and unimportant. This is only an ego-trap that keeps you small minded and taking yourself too seriously.

Encourage others and your partners to play with lighthearted experiences. By embracing your inner child it will entice those around you to join in the fun. It will deepen your connections with others. It will heal your heart, help you to stay in the present, increase your creativity, boost your immune system, release stress, alleviate depression and anxiety, keep you youthful at heart, elongate your life, and enhance your quality of life.

Angela Fitts Inner Child Image

6. Practice living in flow

What exactly does this mean? There’s a natural order and universal flow taking place in every moment. As children our resilience, presence, and acceptance to what is happening in every moment is remarkable. We were more likely to allow what is. We as adults are always practicing control. We are always planning out our lives and leave little to no room for flow in our day to day lives. We become rigid and unwilling to change or welcome unexpected occurrences. The reality is that life is in a constant state of flow and change. The problem comes when we won’t allow ourselves fluidity. By being in flow you step into the higher stream of consciousness that is at work. This is when real life magic happens and unfolds.

For example, you could have your day completely planned out with very specific details and tasks or events and intentions that you want to take place. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that but if plans get interrupted or that universal flow has something else in order, knowing and discerning when to allow for other things to take place or move in a different direction is key. Being in flow is like being in the zone, things are magnificent. Don’t be afraid to leave room for magic and spirit orchestration to work in your life. Let go of expectations and have faith that things are playing out in divine order for your highest good. Even when things don’t quite seem like they are, trust that you are always being developed to become who you are meant to be.

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Awareness

Understanding the Games Narcissists Play and How to Deal With Them

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Games Narcissists Play Image

Known for their exaggerated sense of self-importance, narcissists think that the world literally revolves around them. Their actions, attitudes, behavior, and the language they use determine their state. They draw their main satisfaction from making other people see them as persons of great importance who know everything. They do not care whether their actions may have an undesirable effect on others.

Who is a Narcissist?

Narcissists are smitten with an idealized self-image, which they wear around other people to escape reality. Deep down they are wounded creatures who are just too scared to admit it to themselves and other people around them. To compensate for their injuries, they create a “perfect person” who is flawless in an attempt to make themselves feel better.

Psychotherapy has proven to work just fine for the majority of people diagnosed with this condition. It’s not that narcissists are very dangerous people, but spending too much time around them might have adverse effects on you. Their alter-ego may begin to make you feel like a failure or worse still stop you from living to your full potential.

The games narcissists play may also leave you vulnerable to other strangers. Narcissists live on making other people feel less achieved about themselves and regard them as some form of superhero.

The Mind Games Narcissists Play

Narcissists play mind games to manipulate our thinking. Long encounters with them may even change your perceptions about certain aspects of life. Be on the lookout for the following signs:

Curiosity

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Narcissists want to have in-depth knowledge about their next victim. During conversations, they will always ask questions about you, which they will exploit later to their advantage.

Superiority complex

These con artists will feed you tones of information on topics you are not familiar with. The intention is to show how smart they are and how dumb you are. In the end, they will have exerted a form of influence over you, which is always their primary objective.

Creating fear and aggression

This is the weapon they use to get people’s attention and manipulate them eventually. Fear attracts negative energy, which is where they thrive best. They will also use your insecurities to mask their own. Though sad to say, deep down narcissists feel like the ugly duck. To cover this up and make themselves feel better, they will consistently bring up your insecurities during the conversations to make you feel inferior and bad about yourself.

An act of innocence

Narcissists Image

Narcissists are the sly fox, and that is how they end up taking the blame off them whenever they mess up. They have perfected the art of pretense so much that it is almost impossible to notice when they are putting on a show and when they are sincere (which rarely happens).

Narcissists will also twist information with made up stories that portray them as the helpless ones. They are always shifting the blame for their actions onto others including you.

Exerting unnecessary pressure on you

The primary goal is to render you emotionally unstable so that you can’t make independent sound decisions. You will notice once they start trying to comfort you right after ticking you off; though this might seem elusive since the emotional charge is in play.

How to Deal with Narcissists

How To Deal With Narcissists Image

You don’t have to be completely helpless against narcissists. Below are strategies to help you play their own game against them to prevent them from using you. The first step, however, is to identify these games narcissistic play first.

  1. Whenever they confront you with multiple questions, look them straight in the eyes. Eye contact makes them face the other direction. Only a sincere person can maintain a clear eye gaze.
  2. Change the conversation. Narcissists want to know a great deal of information about you. Don’t be too quick to give it to them. Slow them down by asking questions about themselves or changing the topic whenever they shift focus on you.
  3. Question more. Once they start showing off with figures and statistics, question the sources of their information. You will notice some skepticism, and gradually they draw away from you. This is one of the most effective ways to protect yourself from the games narcissists play. Don’t readily take in everything they present to you lest you fall victim to their scams.
  4. Have self-confidence. Narcissists prey on people who are less confident and have esteem issues. Work on your confidence so that when they come blowing their sense of self-importance, you can quickly shut them off.
  5. Loosen up a bit. If you get emotionally unstable quickly, try lighting up the mood. Whenever a narcissist tries to destabilize your emotions, go ahead and say something funny to shift the focus.
  6. Preserve your personal space. Don’t let just about anyone invade your personal space. If you have had enough of someone, it is prudent to tell them so or just distance yourself from them.
  7. Stay calm and decompress. You can do this either through meditation or just taking some time off. It is normal that there will always be people with more achievements than you have made. Do not let this get to you. Sit back and re-strategize on ways of living to your full potential without necessarily comparing yourself to others.
  8. Identify your insecurities. We all have a sense of insecurity one way or the other, and this is perfectly human. Know what your insecurities are and if you can’t fix them don’t let someone use them against you. This may be difficult, but once you get the hang of it, you become a stable, productive being.

The Bottom Line

Life comes with its challenges. The games narcissists play might overwhelm you, but you have to outsmart them. Eventually, its either you put them in their place, or you fall prey. To help these people, encourage them to attend psychological counseling. But as for you, stay safe from the games narcissists play.

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Inspiration

10 Lessons From Dalai Lama That Will Make Your Life Easier

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10 Lessons From Dalai Lama Image

The Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of the Tibetans and this tradition goes back to 1391. Tibetans believe that their spiritual mentor is reborn in different guises, preserving the wisdom of centuries.

Currently, the 14th Dalai Lama is Tenzin Gyatso. He survived many trials during the invasion of Chinese troops into Tibet and dreams of creating a zone of peace and nonviolence, the harmony of man and nature on the territory of his country. In 1989 he was awarded the Nobel prize for his plan to restore peace and human rights in Tibet.

His lessons about love and compassion are followed by millions of people who realized that there is nothing more important than inner peace and harmony. In this article, we want to share with you 10 lessons from the Dalai Lama that can help you understand life better. All his lessons are connected to the most important Universal Laws. Therefore if you learn these 10 lessons from Dalai Lama you will begin to notice that your is becoming easier and easier.

10 Lessons From Dalai Lama

Lesson #1: Silence is sometimes the best answer

Dalai Lama Lesson 1 Image

The Dalai Lama teaches us to think before we say anything. Before we open our mouths, we must understand what we are saying and why. Otherwise, we should keep our mouth shut. Our tongues should speak only those thoughts that we are sure of, and that we are responsible for. Before we say something we should always ask ourselves: “Is it really necessary?”.

Lesson #2: Spend some time alone every day

Dalai Lama Lesson 2 Image

Do what makes you happy: go for a walk, read a book, meditate, etc. These activities help you maintain a balance of energy. You can even do nothing at all, just be alone. Take it as a rule, and you will see – to be alone with yourself is the best practice for your harmony, integrity, self-awareness.

Lesson #3: When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it

Dalai Lama Lesson 3 Image

A mistake is the cause of most of our problems. Its quick correction does not allow the problem to develop into a disaster. But in order to eliminate the mistake, you must first recognize it, and it is not always easy since it hurts our ego.

Lesson #4: Keep in mind that great love and great achievements are associated with greater risk

Dalai Lama Lesson 4 Image

A big responsibility is always a risk, and without it, there can be no achievement – otherwise, you’re just treading water. The path of comfort is a defeatist path. It leads nowhere. Your comfort zone is an “energy swamp”. There is no movement, there is no development. Every great project, every great opportunity, every great relationship are associated with greater risk. So if you want to change something in your life you have to take a risk!

Lesson #5: A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life

Dalai Lama Lesson 5 Image

Your physical body is the temple for your soul. But what is the temple for your physical body? That’s right – it’s your actual home.

Our homes are our temples! We should make them sacred. A home is a place where we can calm down our hearts, recharge our energy, relax and find our inner power.

Your home and your family should give you strength. And no matter how important your social activity is to you, always find time to be with your family. Money, career, fame, and success pale in comparison with the value of loving human relations.

Lesson #6: This planet is our only home; we are all responsible for taking care of it

Dalai Lama Lesson 6 Image

Nature, despite its power, is too fragile in front of the pressure of its offspring – a man. The consumer attitude towards our only “home” is the biggest stupidity. We should start thinking about our future and the future of our children.

We all need to realize the fact that being eco-friendly is not an option but rather a necessity that we can’t assume. Not anymore. We should never forget that nature is a self-sustaining ecosystem. Therefore, if we do not act right, the system will either wipe us out of existence into oblivion or just make it hard for us to cope. Besides, the changes are nothing we can’t adjust to. It is just a matter of deciding to live and act right.

Lesson #7: If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

According to the studies, the pleasure of feeling a true compassion is similar to the sensations from sex, tasty food or a relaxing holiday. Compassion is good for your health: it reduces stress, normalizes heartbeat and boosts immunity.

You can express compassion by trying to understand a person’s feelings and emotions. To do this, you need to talk to them and listen to them. Being compassionate is more than just to be kind to somebody. To be compassionate means to be emotionally involved. You will need to ask what kind of help a person needs and hear the answer.

Lesson #8: The purpose of our lives is to be happy

Dalai Lama Lesson 8 Image

When the Dalai Lama was interviewed, he said that he receives lots of messages about material goods. Very few people ask about forgiveness, compassion, patience, and kindness. But He teaches that the values like kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and patience should be always our priorities is we want to reach true happiness.

Lesson #9: There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

Dalai Lama Lesson 9 Image

Being kind costs a little, but the benefits that you get at the same time are very significant. Start with small things – help others, do charity. It’s scientifically proven that people who help others, donate money feel happier than those who spend the money on themselves.

There is such a thing as “tithing”, which means giving 10% of your income to charity. The 10% of your income, given to charity, not only teaches you to be generous (and generosity, as we know, is the quality of God), not only heals you from material dependence, but also purifies the remaining 90% of your income, as well as removes energy congestion in the way of prosperity flow into your life.

Lesson #10: Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

Dalai Lama Lesson 10 Image

If you have accumulated useful knowledge, you should not keep it to yourself. Share it with others, help others to understand themselves and the world. It will be useful both for you and for others. Paradoxically, when you share your knowledge, you receive more knowledge. When you share your knowledge, you learn something new from the people who are listening to you. They can share their opinions and their vision and it may help you to get a deeper understanding of your knowledge.

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