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Toxic Relationship: Go from Crash & Burn to Learn & Grow!

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Intoxicating or TOXIC?

By definition, a toxic relationship is where one or more people exhibit unhealthy behavior and lack mutual respect for each other. Extreme toxic relationships can be mentally, emotionally, and physically harmful, but not all toxic relationships are abusive.

And on the flipside, there are healthy relationships tethered to love. Now, love comes in all forms and means something different to each and every one of us. However, it is HOW we LOVE and ALLOW OURSELVES to be LOVED that are the key differentiators between a toxic relationship and a healthy one.

For example, what we think may be EXCITING (intoxicating) in a relationship may actually be an extremely detrimental dynamic that is perpetuating our toxic love orbit.

We form so many different layers of connections and commitments in one lifetime – from lovers – to friendships, and with family members and co-workers.

For this specific article, I will focus on the relationship you have with your romantic partner (but, not the extreme of physical abuse in regard to toxic relationships). If you are in the midst of a physically abusive relationship, please seek professional help or contact your local authorities.

OK, let’s dive in! 

Is Your Soul Tank on Empty?

What happens when you realize the love you once thought was fueling your soul tank, is actually holding you back or worse yet – detrimental to your self-esteem, success, daily happiness, and overall well-being?

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Don’t give up—instead, change your mindset and pivot!

In this article, I will help you identify which direction your very own love orbit is floating and how to realign with your greater good. You will also gain simple strategies on how to move out of the “toxic zone” and into the kind of relationship that serves your higher good – instead of crushing your soul!

Let’s Start with Relationship Red Flags.

First, I’d like to call out some positive attributes in a relationship that include excitement (butterflies), curiosity, inspiration, and motivation. These can all be amazing experiences in any relationship – FOR SURE!

BUT, what happens when these feelings are offset by stomach pangs, jealousy, insecurity and downright spinning anxiety keeping you up at night? You know, that burning sensation in your solar plexus when you hear that person’s ringtone or text coming in—UGH!

These are the pesky “Red Flags” that we often ignore because we have the aforementioned positive experiences. And quite frankly— we may have blinders on!

Sometimes love is in fact blind. But, I believe that it’s not always the love for the other person that this saying is about.

Instead, what if the blinders are actually our own walls preventing us from SEEING OURSELVES— truly, madly, deeply— to delve into:

  • Who we really are?
  • What we ultimately want?
  • What we truly deserve?

With that said, occasionally we can even hide out in certain relationships and it feels safe under all of this drama.

Can you relate to any of this?

Sometimes it’s easier to feel these other emotions (that end up distracting us from dealing with our own stuff). But, in the end, this will be the demise of the very relationship that is shielding us from ourselves.

Or even worse, make us feel trapped in something that we are not completely fulfilled in.

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So, please do not— I repeat, don’t ignore these Red Flags, as these are the bane of a very unhealthy relationship – one that is inhibiting you from connecting to your true self and aligning with your soul’s purpose to learn and grow.

So, how do you really know if you’re in a toxic relationship?

Here are 20 signs to help you gauge your relationship toxicity-level.

You Experience:

  1. Negative Energy
  2. Despair
  3. Insecurity
  4. Consistent Hurt
  5. Feeling Rejected (emotionally, physically or both)
  6. Lack of Communication
  7. Playing the Blame Game Often
  8. Feeling Bad About Yourself
  9. Infidelity (either side or both)
  10. Control Issues
  11. Empty Promises
  12. Feeling Undervalued and Underappreciated
  13. Daily Fear
  14. Feeling Unsafe
  15. Lying about your relationship to others
  16. Feeling Stuck
  17. Passive Aggressive Behavior
  18. Self Esteem depleted
  19. Feel like the parent in the relationship
  20. Avoiding Each Other (includes physically or verbally)

Please note that you may have just a few of these experiences in your relationship, but it is truly up to you on what your absolute “deal breakers” are, based on the frequency and level of unhealthy behaviors.

However, if you experience a majority of the above, you may want to reevaluate your relationship. And, ultimately decide if you are ready to move on so you can create “space” for a more satisfying and healthy partnership.

Either way, the ONE KEY COMPONENT to understand in any relationship is that you cannot change the other person.

So, what can you do?

Well, you can (and must) take control over your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Which leads us to my top suggestions on how you can start changing your relationship script!

Change Your Relationship Script

6 Steps to Happy & Healthy

#1

Practice Awareness & Take Responsibility

Start right now! Awareness of self and what’s really going on in the relationship is paramount. Please always remember that you are in the driver’s seat and have the CHOICE each and every day to move out of victim mode and into big and beautiful empowerment!

#2

Drop the Codependency & Fix the Fixer in You!

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This is referring to the “need to be needed” trap – aka codependency created in a relationship. This also includes the wounded-bird syndrome, and going after the “emotionally unavailable” person – all of which are the perfect formula for a toxic relationship!

#3

Practice Self-Love & Up-Level Your Self-Value

You must tend to your own roots before you can merge with someone else’s life. Please remember that you were born into this world from love & light. Don’t lose sight of that fundamental truth. No matter what is happening in the relationship, you set your own value. Your partner does not define you-you define you.

#4

Learn & From Each Other

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The cornerstone of any healthy relationship is to learn, laugh, love and grow together. In a relationship, you choose to merge your lives together. With that, please remember the importance of encouraging, supporting and bringing out the best in each other (not changing each other). And, navigate life’s challenges as a team – united.

#5

Learn to Say No & Set Healthy Boundaries

This concept is so important when creating and maintaining a non-toxic relationship. Now, it’s not the same as issuing threats or ultimatums. Healthy boundaries are any limits that need to be set and honored so that you can love without resentment and with integrity. Push through the fear of rejection or judgment and find your voice!

#6

Communicate Authentically

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Relationships most certainly require hard work, passion, compromise, and dedication to sustain and flourish. However, the backbone to any relationship is open, honest, empathic and respectful communication. Don’t expect the other person to be a mind reader – speak your truth.

Transform Toxic into Intoxicating!

Please know that you have the power to transform a soul-crushing, toxic relationship into whatever your heart (and soul) desires. Realize that everything in life is a reflection of the perspective you hold about it, so if you see the glass as half empty – Change It Up and Reclaim Your Life!

Remember that YOU ARE MORE – more than you think. Once you identify what is broken in your relationship, you have the choice to change your situation. You can shift your mindset —peel back the layers and identify your relationship “deal breakers ”. Then, go deep within and find your courage, confidence, and clarity on your next steps.

Once you clear out the toxicity, you will allow space for a healthy and kick-ass relationship (either with this person or someone else). Either way, please stay true to yourself and trust the process on your journey!


Nina is the founder of Change It Up, LLC. and AGFS Foundation, Inc. She has a BA in communications and is a certified professional, personal, and confidence coach, as well as a mindfulness practitioner. In her previous career she led massive production, creative, and strategic teams for global Fortune 500 companies as an executive producer and an adult learning expert. Through her diverse career journey, she found that her greatest gifts and passion reside in her connections with people. She is happiest when she’s sharing her experiences and strategies to inspire and motivate others to achieve greater success and experience more daily joy.

Personal Development

Jobs for Empaths: The Good and Not-so-good

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Are you an empath? What kind of job did you choose for your career? Is it satisfying? Empaths are super sensitive to the environments and people working around them. Hence, not all job positions are ideal for them. Yes, they absorb energy, feel, and uniquely interpret emotions. Thus, what they choose as their career paths can either drain or be their way to self-realization. Then, what are the right or wrong jobs for empaths? Well, this article is a detailed list!

The Ideal Working Condition

Empaths thrive in working conditions that are less stressful. Hence, an ideal work environment will feature the following:

1. Job Roles With Clear Schedules And Timelines

An empath works best when he set limits on his interactions with others. That way, he can know how to protect his spiritual, mental, and physical well-being. For example, working on demanding tasks with set deadlines forms a sense of safety for the empath. They know that the demanding schedule is only temporary.

2. Small is Better

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A smaller company with fewer people to interact with will be easier for an empath to manage. In contrast, large organizations with many levels of reporting can overwhelm an empath.  Hence, opt for jobs that need you to be self-reliant. Make use of the internet to be part of a bigger team in the comfort of your home or private space.

3. Self-Employment

A self-employed empath chooses his work schedule, including where to set up his office. That way, he can create a functional workspace away from the noise and crowds that can drain his positive energy. If you find it hard to deal with coworkers or demanding bosses, why not set up a private practice.

Then, here are typical jobs for empaths:

1. A Writer

Did you know that empaths make some of the best writers in the world? Yes, think of Judith Orloff, who writes books and posts to empower the empath. Or, Sydney Campos whose writing is about a holistic approach to a healthy lifestyle.

So, if you know how to express yourself with words, consider becoming a writer. It’s a chance to channel your unspoken thoughts through words. Tell stories that will impact others. You can start with a blog. Or, you can be a freelance writer for a magazine in your local community. Better still, become an established author.

2. An Artist

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Are you a creative empath? Why not become an artist? An empath’s mind generates many innovative ideas. Yet, they tend to be introverted, shying away from public avenue to showcase their talents. Art provides the perfect platform to channel all these ideas to the rest of the world. For example, singer Joss Stone is a Grammy award-winning artist who is also an empath. She’s a highly sensitive person who owns some of the top-selling albums in the world.

3. Nurses and CareGivers

The nursing profession calls for someone who can empathize with those in pain. And, an empath will fit into this job naturally. For, they sense when one is in pain and offer help beyond their call of duty.

However, the hospital set up is a volatile environment that drains an empath. As an empath, make use of your rare gift by providing the best care for the sick away from a hospital setup. That is, pick a caregiver job at a nursing home or homecare unit near you. That way, you can do what you love in a calmer environment.

4. A Therapist

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Therapists generally assist persons in dealing with emotional disturbances. Hence, they listen, understand, and guide patients through their treatment. Indeed, mental illnesses are equally as debilitating as physical ones. Then, why not open a private practice as a psychologist or a life coach? Here, you can work with one or small groups of patients in setting new life goals to change their lifestyles.

5. A Hypnotist/Mind Reader

Hypnotism is an excellent technique that prepares an individual for healing. Mind readers and therapists use it to get their subjects to a state that is conducive to reprogram the mind, especially if the patient may be struggling with a painful past.

A hypnotist will assist the person to relax. In turn, he will evoke the subconscious mind to accept a new positive reality. Hence, an empath’s selfless traits are great for a hypnotist. For he will not take advantage of the vulnerable state of the subject. Instead, he will choose a safe treatment to ensure the patient overcomes the negative energy.

Are There Bad Jobs For Empaths?

If you are a highly sensitive person, you want to keep off from jobs that will have an emotional strain on you. However, note that different types of empaths can tolerate such environments differently. Hence, there are no particular bad jobs for empaths. Still, here is a list of job posts you may want to avoid as an empath:

A Veterinarian

job for animal empath image

Do you find dealing with worried pet owners, sick pets, and emergency responses too taxing for you? Then, becoming a vet is not an ideal job for you.  

Now, most empaths are pet lovers. More so, they feel at home connecting with nature and wildlife. Yet, a veterinarian’s typical day involves responding to animals in distress. He may be able to save some animals, while others may never recover.

Teaching

The teaching profession is attractive to an empath who has a strong desire to help and impact others. However, there is constant contact with many people all day. Even the short lunch breaks and changes of lessons are full of people interacting.  You also want to catch up on marking assignments and preparing for the next lesson. Moreover, a teacher must be in his/her best mood all the time. Such jobs for empaths can feel exhausting.

Thus, if you feel inclined to impact others through teaching, you should consider one-on-one tutoring or online classes. They are less draining, with ample breaks between. Besides, you get lots of satisfaction seeing your students succeed. 

Final Note

From the above discussion, it is clear that there are no apparent good or bad jobs for empaths. Instead, people should know what they love to do and weigh it against how much pressure they can tolerate. For example, any empath can choose teaching or a vet job and excel in it. Yet, some empaths find reading other peoples’ minds too absorbing for them. Therefore, exercise prudence as you settle for the right career path. And, trust your instincts. If you feel you do not fit in a particular role, be open to explore others. 


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Personal Development

5 Signs That You Got Stuck In Your Comfort Zone

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Your comfort zone is a situation in which you feel comfortable and you don’t have to do anything new or difficult. We all have a comfort zone, but it’s essential to step outside it, challenge yourself, and deal with life in order to grow, transition, and transform. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is key to discovering your passion, accomplishing your goals, and finding happiness.

In this article, I want to share with you 5 signs that you might be stuck in your comfort zone.

Safe but Dangerous Place

You may think that your comfort zone is not a bad place to be, right? I mean, you’re comfortable, so you must be happy?

If only it worked out that way. Unfortunately, the longer you stay within your comfort zone, the less happy you tend to be.

When we are stuck in our comfort zone, we’re willing to stay in a situation that doesn’t make us happy, for fear that the discomfort we’ll feel by stepping outside of our current circumstances will be greater than the discontent we feel now, however unfulfilled we are.

I see a comfort zone as some kind of energy swamp. You may feel like it’s a nice and warm place but in fact, you’re drowning deeper and deeper in that swamp. Very soon you won’t be able to see or hear anything new and exciting, you will stop feeling happiness and joy. The trick with an energy swamp is you’re drowning slowly but surely. And the more comfortable you feel in there the harder it will be to get out. In order to get out of that swamp, you have to start moving!

We all need to learn how to catch the moment when we start drowning in order to start acting. The signs below will help you to diagnose your current situation and so you can begin moving out of your comfort zone.

5 Signs That You Got Stuck In Your Comfort Zone

1. You Don’t Study

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If you think that the time to study has passed when you graduated from school or college then you are definitely in the comfort zone. You have difficulty and reluctance to understand new information especially if it seems complicated or unfamiliar. You have no desire to spend your time and energy on educating yourself on something you don’t understand. You often feel skeptical of unusual and fresh ideas.

If you want to become the person who controls his/her life and creates his/her reality around him you need to make studying a part of your daily routine. Just pick the subject you are curious about but you always felt like it’s too complicated and start learning about it a little bit every day. You can choose a foreign language and start learning five words of phrases every day. Or you can sign for a course. It will boost your intellect, train your memory and will push you out of your comfort zone.

2. You Live the Same Day Over And Over Again

“Don’t live the same day over and over again and call that a life. Life is about evolving mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.” ― Germany Kent

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Do you feel like your today does not differ from yesterday, and your tomorrow will not differ from today? You either don’t believe that something can be changed or, most likely, you are afraid of a change.

If you want to make your life exciting, happy, and joyful you have to start making changes. Despite your fears and discomfort, you need to get out of the energy swamp.

You don’t have to make big changes right away. Even making one change at a time will make a difference in your life. Move slowly but surely.

Start small. For example, start making your coffee differently every morning. Don’t drink the same kind of coffee every morning. Be creative! Or take an alternative route to work. Eat at a new lunch spot. Choose something new from the menu. If you normally go to the gym every morning and work out with the weights, one day a week try to go to yoga class. In other words, come up with something new every day. Change your day up and then big changes will follow!

3. You Don’t Meet New People

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If your environment hasn’t changed in recent months or even years, and you haven’t made any new friends, this is another sign that you are stuck in a comfort zone.

To push yourself out of your comfort zone start doing small things like this daily:

  • initiate a small conversation with a stranger at the gym/yoga class/coffee shop;
  • sit next to someone new at a meeting;
  • make internet-friends with people from other countries (it’s a great way to practice the foreign language you’re learning!);
  • attent social events more often;
  • start traveling alone (it’s easier to make new friends when you travel alone rather than when you’re always surrounded by your old friends);
  • start conversations on social media.

You can easily come up with your own different ways of meeting new people. Each day gives us plenty of opportunities for this! All we need to do is just to catch them!

4. Low Energy/ Lack of Inspiration

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Staying in the comfort zone leads to a lack of goals and inspiration. You see, when our energy level decreases, the desire to create and inspiration disappears. We can’t be creative, inspired and excited about life if we don’t have enough energy.

The energy swamp acts like an energy vampire sucking the energy out of you. That’s why staying in your comfort zone is so dangerous!

It may feel like you have no energy for making any changes in your life. This may lead to the fact that you can get used to destructive conditions such as co-dependent relationships, poor living conditions, and a disdainful attitude to your health and appearance. Even if you think you want to change something you feel like you have no energy and will power for doing this.

Again, try to start small. Make an honest list of what you want to change. Do you want to get healthier? Do you want a romantic relationship that lifts you up? Do you want to be loved and respected? Start with something small! Don’t try to make major changes all at once.

If you want to get healthier, replace your chicken sandwich with a green salad, your soda with herbal tea, your movie night with work out, etc. Pick one thing at a time and turn it into a habit.

If you want to be loved and appreciated by your partner start practicing self-love. Don’t try to convince yourself that you love yourself. It doesn’t work this way. Try to do small self-rituals every day and watch what will happen!

Here are some articles that you may find helpful on your self-love journey:

5 Simple Steps To Boost Your Self-Love

Self-Love Affirmations That Really Work!!

6 Daily Self-Love Practices You Can Start Today

5. The Belief That All Your Problems Will Be Solved By Someone Else

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Of course, we should always believe that the universe will take care of us and lead us in the right direction. However, if you are stuck in your comfort zone you are not willing to take the steps in the direction the Universe is trying to guide you. It may already be sending you signs, opportunities, and the shortest ways to solve your problems and fulfill your desires. But in order to receive help and guidance from the Universe, you need to be open and ready for changes.

You may think that you always pay attention to the signs from the Universe however your problems are still unsolved and you don’t understand clearly the path you need to take. You see, usually, the Universe guides us to the path that lies outside our comfort zone. And in order to see it, we need to look for it beyond our fears and doubts.


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Gratitude

The Gift of Giving: Benefits of Generosity

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Tis the season for Gift Giving! What are the true benefits of giving? In what place do you give from? Why do you give? How does giving serve you and the ones you give to? What comes from a generous heart? In this article, I’m going to share with you what may come as a surprise, the benefits of generosity and what exactly is in the gift of giving.

Around holidays, birthdays, and celebrations we tend to give more, or we are encouraged to give gifts around these specific times. Do we really take the time to examine why we are giving and what intentions we have in our giving?

It’s important to develop and create a generous heart with no obligations or expectations of return.

Giving Just Because

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One of the main reasons to give should be because your heart desires to. Think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege.
Giving out of obligation, giving to serve the ego, giving to get something in return or giving just because it’s the holidays will not be rewarding and will not carry the same heart resonance as giving just because your heart wants to give from a place with zero expectations or obligations.

The holidays can become stressful and financially unmanageable when you are pressuring yourself to give during these specific times. We tend to look for gifts during these periods and then it becomes obligatory in nature and this can remove the pleasure that comes with giving freely from the heart.

Giving when you are prompted from your heart, versus because there’s simply a holiday present, will always be more rewarding.
It removes the pressures of only giving during the holidays and spreads cheer year around. Many of us give during these specific times because we feel like we should because it seems most everyone else is giving during these times and because socially it’s the “thing” to do and what is expected or appropriate in our society.

I encourage you to give all year around for no reason at all other than your heart’s desire. Maybe a friend or a relative is going through a tough period and you want to lift their spirits, this is a great time to activate your generosity and send a small token or handwritten note to express your sentiments. Giving as a surprise just because you appreciate others meaningful presence in your life. When people aren’t expecting gifts and they show up “just because” the joy is usually immense from the recipient.

Small gestures go a long way. The gift of giving is the gift.

Generosity Enhances Your Life On Many Levels

gift giving

You will receive an upwelling of joy and warmth that is bestowed upon the recipient when you give. The magic is reciprocated by the spirit of generosity.

It feels enriching to give. When you give you are opening your own portals to receive. When you hold, begrudge and constrict you block your own blessings and gifts of reciprocity. The more generous and giving your heart is the more space you allow for universal gifts to flow into your own life.

Giving from your heart increases your well being, transmutes stress and in turn boosts your immune system. Feeling the excitement and love that others feel from receiving your beautiful intentions and heartfelt expressions cause a multitude of chain reactions throughout your entire being. On a cellular, physical and spiritual level we are being activated in a positive energetic way. The world needs more generosity, we thrive on it, whereas greed has the opposite effect, debilitating ourselves.

There Are Many Ways to Give And Be Generous

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Many times when we think of gift giving we think of physical things that require financial means, this is not the only way to give. In fact, some of the most precious and heartfelt gifts take little to no money at all. The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.

We all know how valuable time and effort is. We live in a busy world with many demands. This is why freely gifting your time and presence is highly valued.

  • Donating an extra set of hands on a project of giving back to others.
  • Taking the time to listen and be present when others are feeling challenged.
  • Creating handmade cards, crafts, artwork or just handwritten love notes to those you hold near and dear to your heart.
  • Drawing a salt bath with essential oils for a partner, friend or loved one after a long day of work.
  • Asking how you can assist others in their time of need.
  • Offering free childcare to a single mother, father or couple that needs time for themselves.
  • Watering plants, feeding stray hungry animals, giving them shelter and a kind presence.
  • Giving someone a hug with encouragement.
  • Taking time to pray for others well being and success.
  • Holding someone’s hands when they’re afraid.
  • Holding doors open, allowing others to go in front of you in line.
  • Allowing others to be right.
  • Listening with a non-judgmental presence.
  • Listening to hear without having the need to respond.
  • Smiling and acknowledging others presence. Everyone matters.

There are endless opportunities for gift giving. Being creative and recognizing that any action, deed or gesture from the heart small or large is truly a gift.

Don’t Forget to Give to Yourself

self-love relationship

Ultimately by giving to others, you are giving to yourself. How you treat others is a big indicator of how you feel about yourself. Make sure you don’t forget yourself in this equation. Many of us are guilty of primarily gifting others and leaving ourselves out or feeling guilty for giving back to ourselves. You are an important part of the gift-giving circle. Treat yourself with kindness, compassion, and self-love. Make sure you refuel and restore yourself. Commit to showing up for yourself. Be good to your body. Check in with yourself regularly and make sure you are taking the time to give yourself the gift of cultivating healthy habits that enhance your mind, body, and soul.

The Bottom Line

I hope this article is a reminder that generosity comes in many different forms and that there is no certain right time to give. Most importantly that you should always give from your heart. I’ll leave you with this:

“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver” ~Maya Angelou


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